Hypocrite
by Rose6
Summary: Past trauma's come back to haunt Lindsay's future


1 Title: Hypocrite  
  
Author: Rose; rosenfairy@y...  
  
Feedback: Fanfic writers love communing with nature, remembering the classics, candlelit dinners and oh yes, feedback.  
  
Disclaimer: I find the idea of these ludicrous, I mean really why are we saying something to protect ourselves from litigation when we are simply names and e-mail addresses in a medium where staying incognito is easy… Hello, no one can sue me if they only know my e-mail address… I doubt a summons filled out to rosenfairy@hotmail.com would make it far. But just in case they are all mine totally mine, it was a complete coincidence that they happen to have the same names and situations as characters from a certain TV show, but don't worry my lawyers will be taking this issue up with DEK first chance they get.  
  
  
  
******************************************************************  
  
  
  
"Lucy. The Straws!" Bobby called as he walked out his office door, his face frozen into the gloating smile of one that does not have to take part in this much despised tradition. He watched with amusement as his fellow partners looked up from their work, their faces displaying varying looks of annoyance and dread at the thought of choosing a straw. After all they all knew that the majority of cases that were decided his way were about people so vile, and crimes so heinous and morally challenging that no one would accept them willingly.  
  
Lucy rummaged through her desk for a second before emerging with a set of the hated straws. Her face almost glowing as she waited for the in fighting bickering and joking that would follow, as the loser reached unenthusiastically for the case file and those fortunate to pick a long straw gloated about how size really did matter.  
  
"Ok guys, pick one." She called, as she held her hand out towards them.  
  
They all reached for one and one by one exhaled quickly with relief as they discovered they had been lucky enough to grab a long straw. All except Lindsay, who took one look at the straw she'd picked and shook her head in disgust, wondering aloud what sort of despicable crime she would have the pleasure of defending now.  
  
"Yeah Bobby, what is it?" Ellenor asked triumphantly, "Not that I care," she continued waving her straw in front of Lindsay's face, "Cause I got a loooooong straw."  
  
Lindsay smiled sarcastically and turned back towards Bobby.  
  
"It's nothing that horrible," Bobby replied, "Date Rapist, he claims he didn't do it. Pelvic exam and DNA testing proves he did. His defense is he met her in a bar, she was already drugged with something called GHB, or….. easy lay, he's saying he may have taken advantage of her but at the time he didn't know she'd been drugged, he thought she was just…. Sexually promiscuous".  
  
Bobby was reading from the file as he spoke and failed to notice the way Lindsay's face paled and she suddenly seemed to become incredibly uncomfortable with the situation.  
  
"Oh yeah, see I should of known I wouldn't get this one, I only get the psycho's." Ellenor replied, half-joking, half-serious.  
  
Bobby looked up smiling at the comment and suddenly noticed Lindsay's change in demeanor, the rest of the group had settled into the easy joking attitude that always followed one of these occasions. Lindsay, however looked upset and uneasy, and Rebecca was watching her with quiet concern, whilst still listening to the conversation around her and throwing in the odd comment. Bobby looked at his fiancé with an expression that was both concerned and questioning.  
  
Noticing his worry, Lindsay looked up at him and smiled somewhat uncertainly before rejoining the conversation around her with renewed vigor. Bobby could tell something was bothering her, but he had no idea what. Surely it couldn't be the case, or the crime, this would have to be one of the least violent or sordid criminal cases the firm had represented lately. Still, looking at the awkward way she was acting and the troubled expression he could see peeking out from behind her smiling mask he began to worry and made a mental note to broach the subject with her later. It was obvious Bec knew and was worried for her, from that he could only assume that it was something she bad, something she felt she couldn't even tell him. It made him want to take her off the case, and reassign it to someone else but that would appear as if he were playing favorites, and he knew she would object to him babying her, so instead he cleared his throat and announced,  
  
"I'll be second chairing."  
  
**********  
  
"You're second chairing?" Lindsay asked when they were both safely in the privacy of Bobby's office, "What the hell is that about, Bobby?"  
  
"Excuse me", Bobby replied somewhat shocked by her tone and question. "I just…I thought I could help."  
  
"You thought you could help? Or did you just think I couldn't handle it and would need your help?" She was so mad at him now, ever since her stabbing he had been treating her like glass, she had barely had a case of her own since. She finally got one and he stepped in on that too, as if he no longer thought her capable of defending clients. Or that was why she told herself she was angry, but at the same time she knew it was because of the case. Just reading the file had brought back so many repressed memories, which were now assaulting her senses, and forcing her to take her emotions out on anybody within striking distance, Bobby was simply an easy target.  
  
"Lindsay, you know it wasn't! I just have no cases on at the moment, and I thought I may as well help with this one." He answered, his tone pleading with her to believe him and calm down. "And…"  
  
"And what Bobby?"  
  
"Ok I admit, the idea of you being alone with the guy….." He said, pulling a face to illustrate his dislike of the idea, "I mean even if he didn't drug her Lindsay, he knew she was under the influence of something and he took advantage of that. As far as I'm concerned he is a rapist and he disgusts me. Call me over protective and be mad if you want, I just don't like the idea of leaving you alone with him."  
  
Lindsay smiled slightly at him, it was kinda cute the way he worried about her, and she knew that secretly she was actually glad he has put himself on as second chair. As much as she didn't want to tell him about Chris and what happened to her she also didn't want to be alone with this guy.  
  
"Ok" she replied, smiling up at him to let him know that her small burst of irrationality and anger was over.  
  
"Forgiven?" he asked cutely.  
  
"Always" she replied and moved towards him, wrapping her arms around him and resting her head on his chest. As she did Bobby began giving his final reason.  
  
"There was another reason Lindsay" he began, she looked up at him, wondering it could be. "I saw what happened out there, the way this case got to you. Why? Why does this case upset you?"  
  
He felt her stiffen in his arms and pull away suddenly, she looked at him accusingly, her body adopting a defensive stance and her face showing both hurt and anger.  
  
"I don't know what your talking about" she answered, the emotion and denial in her voice betraying her words.  
  
"It got to you Lindsay, as soon as you heard what it was, you froze, you became uncomfortable and upset. Bec was looking at you like she was concerned you'd break down, or lose it. She knows something, something I don't, something painful that happened to you. What aren't you telling me? Why does this case affect you like this?"  
  
"You're imagining things Bobby, it's nothing. Like you said this guy is disgusting. You know how it is I get sick of representing scum, its nothing to do with me, ok. I just don't like the idea of defending someone like this. Its nothing."  
  
"Ok, I'm sorry," Bobby said quickly, he could tell from her voice and actions that something was definitely wrong, something about this case was painful for her, but he could also tell that he shouldn't push her. Her voice was cracking already and she looked ready to break down at any second, or fly off the handle and start one hell of an argument.  
  
"I'm sorry" She just stood there staring at him, before saying  
  
"We've got a client meeting at the courthouse in a few minutes," then turned and walked purposefully towards the door, composing herself as she did. It was one thing to let him see her like this, but she would never allow the others to. Just watching her was enough to leave Bobby on the verge of tears. He vowed silently to not challenge her about it directly again, but also to do everything he could to find out what it was that was so painful to her so he could help her through it. He turned and followed her out the door, hoping as he went that maybe meeting with the man who had inspired this sudden change in her would yield some sort of answers.  
  
  
  
************  
  
Lindsay shook her head slightly and stared blankly at the piece of paper before her, trying desperately to push the memories out of her mind and focus only on taking notes of this man's story. She had spent the ride over trying to tell herself that it would be alright, that his case would be completely different to what happened to her, that it wouldn't affect her. She'd been wrong. It hit so close to home, everything he described would send her mind reeling back to that night, the night when he…  
  
'No' she thought focussing her eyes back on the story and diligently returning to her note taking. She could feel Bobby's eyes boring into her and she knew he could see her distress, one quick look up at his worried expression was enough to almost send her over the edge as she contemplated the fact that she would now have to tell him. Of course she had always planned to tell him about it one day, but not like this. One day when she was comfortable dealing with it, one day when she could explain it without the images of that night running through her head, assaulting her senses and taking her right back to it. It wasn't so much the memory of the actual rape that upset her, but trying to remember it. The drugs had pretty much wiped out all memory of the night, but right now her mind was back there, back in the haze of that evening. Knowing something horrible was happening to her, knowing someone she had once trusted was violating her, betraying her, hurting her, and not being able to do anything about it. She wanted to stop him, to get away but she couldn't, her body wouldn't listen to her, her mind was heavy and unfocussed, she was powerless.  
  
Lindsay was shaken back to reality by the sound of Bobby's voice saying,  
  
"Ok, well that's about it for now, Mr. McKenzie. The trial starts tomorrow, 9:00am. You'll be brought in around 8:30, we'll meet you here." With that he stood and turned to leave, stopping momentarily to wait for Lindsay to gather her things and join him. Then they left, Bobby ensuring she walked past him and out the door first putting himself between her and the client, no matter how innocent he felt his man was he still disgusted him and he really did hate the idea of Lindsay being anywhere near him alone.  
  
**************  
  
The ride back to the office was completed in silence. It wasn't until they were in the elevator on the way back to the office that Lindsay was finally able to look at her notes and was surprised to find that despite her wandering mind she had somehow managed to make them clear and detailed. Looking at Bobby's tense and obviously worried expression she could tell he was waiting for her to divulge all, and tell him exactly what it was that was bothering her. He wasn't pushing, just waiting silently, hoping that she would find the courage to just tell him and then let him help her. On some level the idea of being able to tell him appealed to her, but not yet, she couldn't, not now. It was probably inevitable that by the time this case was through he would find out, and she would deal with that then, but for now her emotions were still so raw and she needed time to go through it all alone.  
  
This was all something that had happened so long ago and she had honestly thought she had put it behind her, she'd even worked against Chris since and it hadn't affected her then. But this case had brought it all back and she was realizing that she had never gotten over it, never dealt with it, she had simply pushed it to the back of her mind and refused to think about it. That had been the easiest at the time, when she had no one really to turn to and she hadn't been able to deal with it, but now it was back and she knew this time she would have to. This time though she had someone to turn to, but she couldn't do it at the moment, she couldn't explain why, but right now she just wasn't ready.  
  
Lindsay was broken out of her reverie by the sound of the others voices and she realized that they had made it back to the office. Behind her she heard Lucy telling her that the DA had rang to talk about the case and she suddenly realized she didn't even know which DA the case had been assigned to. Turning to Bobby she asked,  
  
"Who is the DA?"  
  
Bobby opened the file and skimmed the pages until he found what he was looking for, with his head down looking at the pages he once again failed to notice all the blood drain from Lindsay's face and the look of absolute shock that took her over as he answered,  
  
"Chris Kelton"  
  
**************  
  
Lindsay's shock lasted only a moment before she managed to compose herself once again. She would not allow herself to appear weak in front of the others especially since she knew that if they were to register her reaction to that name they would want to know why and right know she was in no position to explain.  
  
"Ok" she breathed, smiling slightly uneasily and turning away from Bobby before he was able to look up and notice. Even as she did Lindsay felt her calm facade start to melt. Moving quickly she grabbed a file from her desk and disappeared into the conference room. Closing the door behind her as the last tiny shred of her self control left her and she shakily collapsed into the nearest chair allowing a few stray tears to escape her eyes as she struggled to regain control of her emotions.  
  
Having noted once again that something was upsetting Lindsay, Bobby was by now incredibly worried and also a little upset that she felt she couldn't share whatever was upsetting her with him. He began to make a move to follow her determined to make her tell him, after all wasn't she the one who accused him of not sharing his emotions. However as he began to walk over Rebecca calmly grabbed his arm and held him back.  
  
"Bobby" she whispered shaking her head slightly. Her actions told him firmly that he should not follow her, and knowing that Bec knew him as well as she did he realized she had probably guessed his plan of action and was stopping him before he could do any damage. But there was something else too, the look on Bec's face was the same as the one she had displayed when he had first told Lindsay what the case was, the look she had displayed when Lindsay had first reacted. She knew. She knew exactly what it was that was upsetting his Lindsay and she was as worried as he was. But if she knew then he guessed that she probably also knew the best course of action for him to take, so he relaxed back and gave a resigned nod indicating silently that he would not follow or pressure her. Bec smiled at him slightly and then walked quietly to the conference room door, opening it and slipping inside before any of the others could catch onto what was happening.  
  
******************  
  
Lindsay looked up quickly as the door opened and was relieved to see it was Bec rather than Bobby. While she normally preferred to seek comfort in Bobby's arms here she was glad to look up and confront Rebecca's understanding expression rather than Bobby's questioning worried eyes.  
  
"Hey" She greeted her, smiling up at her despite the pain and confusion that was currently whirling its way through her mind.  
  
"Hey" Bec replied, "You OK?"  
  
"Yeah, its just… you know its all just a bit close to home"  
  
Bec nodded slightly to reassure Lindsay that she understood, right now she was not about to enter into the conversation, instead she remained silent and allowed Lindsay to talk it out and try to come to terms with this new assault of emotions.  
  
"I thought I was over it, you know. I really did. I hadn't even thought about it in so long and……. Chris- I thought we were ok, I mean I've been around him since, treated him as a friend, I just… I thought it was all ok and now…." She paused, taking a deep breath and trying to control the tears that threatened to spill. " I was sitting there, listening to the this man's story and it was like I was right back there… I tried not to let it be personal, but everything he said it took me right back. I got that feeling again, its like everything is….fuzzy. My mind it screaming at me to stop, its telling me to fight but I can't. My body won't listen, then my mind gets all heavy and unfocussed and then it just goes blank, and I know something horrible is happening to me, I can feel it but I can't do anything. Its like it's happening all over again." By now Lindsay had begun to cry, she leant toward Bec and let her envelop her in a hug and attempt to console her. " I thought I was over it, I really did, Bec. I really did."  
  
After a few moments Bec pulled away and held Lindsay's shoulders away from her, forcing Lindsay to look at her.  
  
"You have to tell him, Lindsay" She said forcefully.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Bobby, you have to tell, not just…"  
  
"No, I can't. Not know." Lindsay pleaded  
  
"Lindsay, he's terrified for you. He can see how much this is hurting you, but he doesn't know why, can you imagine what must be going through his mind. He wants to help, but you have to let him." Seeing the fear that flashed across Lindsay's face at the idea Bec softened slightly and asked, "Why? Why are you so scared of telling him?"  
  
"I….It's just.. he'll judge me, or he'll think it was my fault, like I led him on or something. Oh…." She wavered slightly, knowing that there was no truth in the reasons she had just listed Bobby wouldn't do that, he would be more likely to go and kill Chris than blame her in any way. "I don't know…. Its just…, it's so hard… to tell people. I've spent the whole day trying to stop myself from thinking about it, from going back there, if I tell him he'll want to know all about it, I'll have to make myself go back there. I hate being in that feeling, its so confusing and ……terrifying, its like I have no control of myself and…… it's ok with you Bec, you know, I don't have to do that with you, but if I tell him…"  
  
"You have to tell him, Lindsay. If not for his sake then for yours, he's the most important person in your life. He knows you, if anyone can help you here its him. He needs to know Lindsay."  
  
Lindsay looked up at Bec's pleading expression and realized that everything she had said was true, she had known this al along but now after hearing it said aloud she knew this was something she would have to do.  
  
"Ok" she answered, as she stood and began to walk towards the door. She would tell him, but not here. Not here with everyone outside wondering what exactly was going on inside his office. She would wait till they got home, where she could allow herself to appear vulnerable and know that he would be there for her. Reaching the door she turned around and looked back and Bec, smiling nervously.  
  
"Thanks".  
  
******************  
  
  
  
Lindsay walked apprehensively towards Bobby's office door and peered around the corner, he was sitting at his desk surrounded in briefs and files and appeared to be deep in thought over them. But in reality he wasn't paying any attention to them at all. They were merely serving as an ineffective attempt at distracting him from the stream of increasingly terrifying thoughts that were plaguing his mind about what exactly was happening, had happened to his Lindsay, and why she felt the need to hide it from him.  
  
"Hey, you ready to leave?"  
  
On hearing her voice he looked up and was surprised to find her standing beside him, smiling down at him. He was in no way ready to leave, they had been thrown into the deep end with this case and beyond staying here all night and working on it he had no idea how they would ever be ready to try it tomorrow. He shook his head apologetically and was about to explain that he couldn't leave yet, but as he looked up at her and opened his mouth to speak her eyes silently pleaded for him to say yes. She looked so scared and insecure at that moment that suddenly the case before him was trivial. At that moment nothing was more important to him than packing up and going home to a place where he was finally able to forget the role of senior partner, devote himself entirely to playing the role of loving fiancée and hopefully convince her to let him in.  
  
"Sure" he replied, as he grabbed a few of the files from his desk and quickly shoved them into his briefcase. Then he stood reached towards her and taking her hand in his he began to walk out of the office. As they turned to leave he once again noticed how upset she looked, her eyes were glazed and confused and rather than the strong confident woman he had grown so accustomed to she appeared small and vulnerable. On reflex he turned back to her and pulled her to him, wrapping his body around hers and trying desperately to convey to her that she need not be scared to tell him anything, whilst also ensuring she knew that he was there for her. Pulling back he looked deep into her eyes and was almost brought to tears by the depth of emotion and pain he could see lingering behind them,  
  
"I love you" he whispered,  
  
"I know", she replied, smiling softly, "I love you too"  
  
With that he wrapped his arm firmly around her waist and guided her out of the office and towards the elevator, hoping beyond hope that she would soon feel able to share whatever was wrong with him and allow him to help her through it.  
  
  
  
***************  
  
Bobby sat watching her from his position in front of the computer, he had really hoped that tonight she would finally be able to put his mind at ease and fill him in on what was upsetting her, but as yet she had not. Sensing that he should not push her, and also heeding Bec's silent warning he was now trying and failing to immerse himself in the case before him, knowing that she would come to him when she was ready. Several times tonight it had appeared as if she was ready to drop this act of strength and let him in. She would make a move towards him, or gesture as if she were about to speak, but then her face would close over, her defense's would return and she would pull away, as if she were scared or ashamed to talk to him about it. It was that reaction that was beginning to weigh even heavier on his mind and was slowly convincing him that if she did not willingly talk to him soon he would have to try and talk to her about it.  
  
What could it be? What hurt her, upset her so badly that she felt she couldn't tell him, even though it was she who always had a go at him about not sharing his emotions with her. Shaking his mind at the horrible scenarios that were barraging it. He noticed that Lindsay had moved and was now sitting on the couch, her notes from this morning's client meeting balanced in her lap as she pored over every minute detail looking for anything that might help them in court tomorrow. But as he watched her, he noticed that every so often while reading she would tense up, her eyes would squeeze shut and she would let out a shaky breath and clench her jaw as if fighting some inner battle, that he could see both scared and pained her. He watched her silently for a few more minutes, determined to stick to the promise he had made Bec and not confront her, but try as he may he couldn't seem to stop himself from wanting to run over there and beg her to let him in, let him help her through whatever was happening to her. It was then he noticed one solitary tear escape her eye and begin to run down her cheek, and that was the final straw, he wasn't going to sit by and watch her go through this without at least trying to get through to her. With that thought he stood and walked determinably towards the couch where he sat down and reached for her hand. Looking up at his touch Lindsay finally noticed him there, shook her head slightly as if to clear it once and for all and smiled unsurely at him.  
  
"Baby?" he whispered his voiced laced with concern, "what's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing Bobby" she answered evasively, unable to disguise the shakiness of her voice, or the tears still evident in her eyes.  
  
"Lindsay"  
  
As always Bobby managed to make that one word to mean so much, in it she could hear him telling her that he didn't believe her, and also begging her to share with him. But she couldn't, she wanted to so much, but something wouldn't let her, that same something that had kept this a secret for so long, that stopped her from doing anything about this. A need to not talk about it, or relive it and mostly to not have to share it with the world, somehow despite the fact that she knew this had been something beyond her control she was still in some ways ashamed by it.  
  
"I'm fine, its nothing" she answered forcefully, hoping that he would either believe her or take her tone as a warning and steer clear of the topic.  
  
"Lindsay, a few months ago you accused me of not sharing myself with you, of keeping my emotions in a vault so I would never be hurt again. Can't you see that is exactly what you're doing now? Tell me, let me help you".  
  
Lindsay stared at him blankly for a few moments, before turning away and silently processing what had been said. He was right, not only about the fact that she was behaving in the exact way that she had given him an ultimatum about, but also that telling him would help. The constant trying to hide her emotions and state of denial that she was in had been exhausting enough, she knew she couldn't keep it up and what she needed most right now was a shoulder to cry on. One of the reasons she had never told people when it happened was because she had no one to turn to, or cling to for support, now she did, but she was still scared. Slowly she felt her defenses begin to slide, as did the tears. She turned her face towards him and then collapsed against him, Bobby wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against him as the tears began to flow and sobs wracked her body. Bobby held her like that for what seemed like ages, his fear about what she was about to reveal to him growing stronger with each passing moment. Soon her tears turned to silent sobs, then whimpers as she pulled back and looked at him intently, at that moment despite his earlier need to know he was filled with dread at the idea of what exactly she was about to tell him. Lindsay took a few deep breaths then began to speak softly, almost whispering,  
  
"It's just this case it's just so close to…. It was so long ago, I thought it was past me, but now it's all back, and………"  
  
"Lindsay, what happened? Tell me."  
  
"This case happened, Bobby. To me….."  
  
Bobby looked at her questioningly, and then horrified as he slowly came to realize exactly what she meant.  
  
"You…, You were raped?" he whispered.  
  
She nodded slightly and turned her gaze away as she willed the tears that were once again threatening to spill to hold off while she got her story told.  
  
"It was just after I came to the firm, I went out with a friend… just a friend…. And he asked me back to his place for a drink, I guess I trusted him… so I went. And he put something in my drink….. He drugged me and then he….".  
  
She told her story quietly and distantly as if trying to pretend it was just a story and not take herself back to the events of that evening, she paused slightly as if trying to will herself to finish.  
  
"He raped me" she said, her voice broke on that last word, as one lone tear rolled slowly down her cheek.  
  
Bobby reached up and wiped it slowly away, leaving his hand resting lightly on her cheek as he waited for her to continue, not wanting to interrupt or upset her further. Watching her go through this and knowing that someone had hurt her like this, someone she trusted, filled him with anger, and also an incredible pain and sorrow for her. How could anyone hurt his Lindsay like this, violate her, destroy her trust, make her so ashamed of herself for something she was at no fault for, and leave her so that now years later she was being forced to relive it and to suffer through those emotions all over again. He was filled with a deep hate for the person who did this to her and if Lindsay told him who it was then…… Bobby was suddenly startled out of his thoughts when Lindsay began to talk again.  
  
"This case, every time I hear the clients story I go right back there Bobby, right to that moment when I was so helpless and scared and its….. And I know tomorrow when I'm in that room and I have to listen to that poor girl telling us what happened to her, and describing how she felt, its going to be so hard Bobby."  
  
With that she once again broke down and collapsed into his waiting arms, where he held her and rocked her gently, pulling her into his lap and whispering comfortingly to her till she calmed. Then he pulled back from her and held her at arms length as he asked,  
  
"Lindsay, who? Who did this to you?"  
  
"Bobby….no" she answered, despite the look on his face that implored her to tell him, and the knowledge that he desperately needed to know she couldn't tell him. If she did she knew the consequences, tomorrow in court trapped in a small room with the man he now hated Bobby would lose it. Even when that man videotaped Lucy he had lashed out to protect her, to seek revenge for her and punish him. What Chris had done to her was more of a violation than that and she knew his reaction to someone hurting her would be heightened even further. If she told him Bobby would be likely to attack Chris in open court. He'd let emotion get the better of him.  
  
"Lindsay" he almost begged, "please, who?"  
  
"No, it was just someone I used to know, it's not important, please Bobby, it's not important."  
  
On seeing that he was only upsetting her further Bobby let the subject drop, or so he let her believe, but he would find out even if it involved going behind her back to Bec, he would find out. And whoever it was would pay for putting his baby through this.  
  
  
  
**********************  
  
  
  
Lindsay paused momentarily at the door to the courtroom and turned to look at Bobby, who smiled slightly in support and reached towards her squeezing her hand. Closing her eyes briefly she inhaled deeply, then drawing on all her strength shook off the pale haunted look that she knew was plaguing her features, having once again assumed the role of strong confident defense attorney she strode purposefully into the room. Right now she could not afford to waste any time dwelling on her own issues, neither her or Bobby had prepared sufficiently for this case, beyond both having a knowledge of the details and the small amount of research they had managed to do that morning they were completely unprepared. After her admission to him last night, Bobby and her had spent the rest of the evening going over the events of that evening and the resultant feelings that were only now surfacing. Both hoping that if she rehashed the events to him, then maybe just maybe it would be slightly less difficult to hear the victims version of events today. Any fears Lindsay had held that Bobby might react badly to her had been forgotten as she clung to him and finally let down the walls that had she had allowed to rise around the issue. Several hours after her initial admission completely emotionally exhausted she had fallen asleep in Bobby's arms, which was exactly where she had woken early that morning when both of them had suddenly realized that today they would be in court arguing a case they were entirely unprepared for.  
  
Lindsay's pace faltered slightly as she caught sight of Chris, and the act of strength that she was trying desperately to portray threatened to crumble as he looked towards her, smiling brightly. She was amazed by the complete change of feeling she now had for him. On previous meetings with him, despite what he done to her she had felt no ill will towards him. However, now, after facing up to the emotions that had lain dormant since that night, she found herself despising him and unable to stomach meeting his gaze, let alone returning his smile.  
  
*****************  
  
  
  
Bobby could read the indecision in her eyes as they walked toward the courtroom. After all her protesting about being able to handle this case, last nights revelations and the approaching confrontation with it all was obviously giving Lindsay doubts as to whether or not she would be able to do this. As soon as they had left for the office it had sunk in that today was it and her mask of pain, fear and questioning had been growing more and more obvious with each passing moment. After all these years she was finally going to have to confront it and at the same time defend a man who may have forced this same pain onto someone else. He could see her becoming more and more  
  
apprehensive as they drew closer and closer to that moment. As they reached the courtroom door she stopped momentarily and turned towards him, her expression making her appear small and fragile to him. Reaching towards her he took her hand and began to speak quietly,  
  
"Lindsay, you don't have to do this, I can handle………" she silenced him with a quick shake of her head, then turning back to the door closed her eyes briefly and breathed deeply, as she did the mask of indecision and fear she had worn fell away and was replaced with her usual confident, assured manner, with that she pushed the doors open and strode determinably into the room. To all the world Lindsay appeared completely calm and confident, at least until she saw 'him'.  
  
*******************  
  
  
  
Instead of returning Chris's smile she stared at him coldly whilst struggling to maintain her composure, noticing something was wrong Bobby took a step toward her and gently placed his hand on her arm silently asking if she was ok. His actions brought Lindsay back to reality as she remembered that Bobby couldn't be allowed to find out the identity of her attacker and that any reaction from her might tip him off about Chris. She shook her head slightly as if clearing it and pushed him from her mind, then smiled slightly at Bobby to convince him she was fine. With that she turned away from Chris and attempted to push the feelings his face had sent flooding through her out of her mind as she began busily preparing herself for the day's trial.  
  
Bobby's eyes followed her worriedly as he wondered whether or not he had made the right choice in allowing her to take the case. Not that it had actually been his choice he knew Lindsay would never have let him take the case off her, she would view that as a sign of weakness, and Lindsay would never allow anyone to think she was weak.  
  
He was confused by this sudden reaction to Chris's presence, he had always believed them to be friends, he knew they had dated once and it hadn't worked out, but they had always appeared to have remained friends.  
  
However seeing Chris's initial reaction to her he assumed they were, and given the confusion now evident on his face after Lindsay's hostile reaction he assumed it was nothing to do with Chris. She had probably just been overwhelmed by it all and was reacting to the situation and not to Chris at all, he thought, even if her reaction did seem very heightened, and hadn't she also reacted when she had heard he was the DA. Shaking his head at the weird direction his thoughts were taking he began to walk towards her. Besides he was a friend she was probably just worried that a DA who was a friend would be more likely to notice any reaction she might have to the case, that was it. Finally agreeing with that version of events he sat beside her and watched as she furiously buried herself in her work using it, in the same way he often did, to hide from the world. He knew he was just being over-protective, trying to find someone to punish for hurting her, and also trying to find anyway to make up for his not being there for her in the first place.  
  
Bobby's thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of their client; something that he knew would also mark the subsequent arrival of the judge and the beginning of the day's proceedings. He greeted the young man and was just beginning to explain once again the order in which the morning would run when the bailiff entered. Lindsay finally looked up from her work and began to rise, her face once again clouded by doubt and pain as she realized that this was it. In only a few minutes the trial she had been dreading would be underway and she would be forced to deal with her most private emotions in front of a room full of respected peers and anonymous gallery members. But most importantly in front of the man who had forced this upon her, the man who now believed her to be completely unaffected by it and also the one man who would kill him if he ever found out.  
  
***********************  
  
Lindsay sat stonily through the judges opening and barely even acknowledged Chris as he stood to begin his opening statement. However as he spoke she almost had to laugh inwardly at the irony of the situation. Chris was up there doing his best to convince the jury of how truly disgusting their client was, and telling them repeatedly that he couldn't understand how any man could be heinous enough to commit a crime such as this. She might have laughed out loud if it wasn't for the anger slowly building inside her as he spoke. How could he act like this, like he was holier than thou, and that everything she had been going through, all the upset he had caused her these last few days was nothing.  
  
Beside her Bobby was finding it hard to concentrate on Chris's opening. Instead he found himself glancing worriedly at Lindsay, as the hand that she had slipped into his at the start of Chris's speech clutched ever tighter until he found himself emulating her clenched jaw and trying not to whimper from the pain. As Chris finished and haughtily took his seat Lindsay remained frozen.  
  
"Miss Dole" Judge Hiller called, Lindsay just sat there, staring ahead, her eyes blazing with anger, and her lips turned up slightly at the sides, as if she were frozen with indecision at whether to laugh or strike out. Bobby doubted she had even heard Judge Hiller talk to her, but he remained silent waiting until the judge called again this time more insistently. Once again she failed to react and as Judge Hiller sent him a questioning and somewhat bewildered look he leant over squeezing Lindsay's shoulder gently and whispering her name. Stunned by this sudden invasion into her thoughts Lindsay was snapped back to the present. Once back she appeared almost lost for a second as to the situation, but as the reality began to sink in, she stood, taking a moment to compose herself for the umpteenth time that morning and began her opening.  
  
'The prosecution will no doubt try to convince you that this young man approached the victim in a bar, slipped a drug into her wine and then took her back to his apartment where he raped her. The prosecution will no doubt attempt to convince you, that this was premeditated, that he went out that night planning to place this women, or any woman he could, in a situation where he could violate her. But our evidence will show that this is not what happened. You cannot find this man guilty unless it is proven beyond a reasonable doubt that he had knowledge of the woman being drugged, that he had prior knowledge before being arrested that this young women had not been of sound mind when she consented. Which he didn't, as far as Mr McKenzie was concerned he just got lucky.'  
  
*********************  
  
The morning was of little concern to Lindsay after that, she somehow managed to maintain her professionalism and focus only on the case. It was easier now to, she didn't have to focus on the emotional aspect of the case, this morning was when the state would call all its professional witnesses who would deliver dry medical testimony as to their belief of what had transpired that night. Here she could focus only on the evidence, and search for any tiny inconsistencies or points that they might be able to use to convince the jury of her client's innocence. So far it was going well, the victims doctor had verified the fact that she had been drugged and later engaged in sexual intercourse with the defendant, but this was of no concern to them. They were not looking to dispute the claim that this young girl had actually been drugged, but only the fact that it was not their client who did drug her. Lindsay's cross of the doctor was unable to prove this beyond a shadow of a doubt, however the doctor did verify the fact that the drug used would of taken a period of time after being slipped into a drink to actually take effect. Therefore it was entirely possible that her client had merely stumbled upon the drugged victim and thought her to be entirely conscious of her actions. Lindsay had returned to her seat after this with a smug smile, knowing that now they were easily in front, had she bothered to look at Chris she would of seen his face displaying the exact opposite reaction, however this was something she would not do. All morning she had focussed on anything but his face, the sound of his voice was enough to send her mind reeling back to the events of that night. Looking at him caused an assault on her conscious that she was not yet ready to confront, especially not in front of a room full of people.  
  
Bobby had noticed this, every time Chris stood Lindsay would avert her eyes, as if even the sight of him were painful to her. Once again he thought nothing of it, assuming as before that she was simply scared that such a close friend would notice her actions and pained expression, and that he knew would be terrifying to Lindsay, she was always so scared to appear weak in front of anyone. Actually that excuse was beginning to wear a little thin on him, but he continued to believe it, after all he always liked to look on the positive side of things and the only alternative theories that he could think of were anything but that.  
  
It simply had to be that, he knew Lindsay and even the thought of appearing weak was a terrifying to her, she saw it as a way of failing, a way of proving that she couldn't cope. It had taken so much for her to open up and even admit to feeling violated, scared and weak in front of him, so to appear so to an acquaintance, an old friend would be too much.  
  
Bobby was interrupted from his thoughts by the judge calling a recess and exiting the room, he realized suddenly that while he had been pondering the exact nature of Lindsay's hostility towards Chris he had completely missed the prosecutions second witness. Glancing quickly at Lindsay and then at her notes, he was pleased to note that nothing important or damaging had come up during the witnesses evidence. It had simply been the manager of the bar, and given that he had admitted under examination from Chris that he had not at any time seen the defendant near the victim or her drinks at any stage of the night except when they were leaving together, Lindsay had not even bothered to cross him. They had made an agreement that Lindsay would do most of the witnesses, Bobby would cross the victim and do the closing. Lindsay had initially half-heartedly argued that she would be the most sympathetic person to take the girls cross, but Bobby had won by arguing how hard it would be for her. He knew she was terrified of even having to listen to the young girl's testimony, fearing that hearing the details from such an emotional perspective would prove too much for her. It had been easy to argue that if he was to cross her she could simply tune out, ignore it, or if she were to start to lose it would be easier to feign control if she didn't have to tear the girl apart in the process. Looking back up at Lindsay he could see she was waiting for him so they could leave, he could also see the apprehension in her eyes. As much as she was looking forward to getting out of he courtroom and hopefully away from the memories assailing her mind, she was also terrified of it. The sooner they left, the sooner they would be back to face the victim, and that was something she wasn't sure she could handle.  
  
On reaching the hallway Bobby began walking hurriedly toward the room where they would be meeting with their client to discuss the mornings events. Beside him Lindsay stopped momentarily to talk to a very worried Helen. Not wanting to interfere with the argument that he knew would ensue, as Helen told her to drop the case and Lindsay argued that she was strong enough to handle it, he crossed to the other side of the hall and leaned casually against the wall to wait. Just as his mind began to slip off to silently debate whether to go hard on the victim, or simply let the evidence speak for itself and give both her and Lindsay a break, he noticed Chris sidling towards him.  
  
"Six months, no parole"  
  
Bobby looked up at him shocked, he had never expected them to offer such a small sentence, but then he and Chris both knew that after this morning's court proceedings it was blatantly obvious he had no case. Shaking his head he silently refused the offer, his face showing his delight at having been given such a simple clue as to where Chris thought the case was going.  
  
"Come on" Chris argued, "What he did was sick, and he'll just do it again"  
  
"Hmmm but that theory would only work if you could prove he did the crime, and we all know you can't, because he didn't"  
  
"For god's sake Bobby, he admitted to sleeping with her"  
  
"But the charge doesn't apply unless you can prove he drugged the girl, and you can't. Look if he was guilty, if I had any suspicion he was guilty, I would hand him to you on a silver platter, and I would want more than six months, believe me"  
  
Behind Chris he started noticing Lindsay and Helen saying goodbye and walking towards him, as she began to walk past Helen shot both him and Chris one last disgusted, angry look before storming off down the hall. Noticing Bobby getting ready to leave, and also seeming quite uncomfortable with the fact that Lindsay was now standing slightly to the side not interfering but making it clear that she did not want to talk to him Chris gave Bobby one last chance to accept the offer.  
  
"Bobby.." he pleaded, his manner warning that this was take it or leave it.  
  
"No deals Chris, its not like he actually committed a crime".  
  
With that Chris turned and left, and Bobby turned to face Lindsay.  
  
"Helen's not happy with either of us for letting you do this is she?" He asked flashing one of his best 'your friend is insane' faces at her, only to be greeted by Lindsay staring angrily back at him, her expression one of disgust and hatred.  
  
"Linds?…." he asked hesitantly wondering what the hell he had done now, but she just continued to stare at him, then elbowed past him, a little too violently and stormed off to meet with their client.  
  
Her mind was overcome with anger and hurt at his words, how could he say that? He'd seemed so supportive, so mad at what had happened to her, and yet here he was telling Chris it was no big deal, hell as far as he was concerned date rape wasn't even a crime.  
  
**********************  
  
Now Bobby was just confused, throughout their entire client meeting Lindsay had refused to speak to him, or at least to make a civil comment, and any looks she had given him had been strictly reserved to hateful glares. Yet as soon as they had returned to the courtroom and the victim had taken the stand her hand had instantly sought his, grasping it in the same painful death grip she had done previously. Turning his head slightly to smile both his relief that she had forgiven him, for god knows what, and also his reassurance at her. He was startled by her paled complexion and obvious fear at what would take place in the next few minutes, and also puzzled by the icy, hateful glare that somehow managed to break through and stare back at him. Turning back away from her he attempted to focus all of his attention back on the witness, and away from both his confusion about Lindsay's mood change and the ever increasing pain in his hand.  
  
Bobby was becoming increasingly concerned about Lindsay's emotional state as the testimony continued, her grip on his hand was like a vice, and while thus far she had exhibited no signs to indicate to anyone other him that she was being affected by all this he knew she was not far from starting to break. The girl had so far revealed nothing that the transcripts had not already told them, but Chris was pushing her, delving into the intimate painful detai into the intimate painful detaio force the already sympathetic jury to feel even more for this girl. This was exactly what they had anticipated he would do, watching the young girl talk about it, while obviously reliving the entire event in her mind was hard even for him. What was even harder was knowing that right beside him, his own fiancé was going through the exact same thing and he couldn't do anything for her. He watched in silent pain as he saw her go through all the emotions that the young girl before him was. However while the victim could cry, scream and vent her emotions, Lindsay's were subtler, so much so only he would see them, so subtle that it was not helping her to vent, merely bottling it up for a much more painful scene later on.  
  
Once the story was out and the young girl had completed her full range of emotions and finally settled on crying silently, Chris turned and sat down his face glowing with the smug belief that his emotional persecution of a fragile young woman had just won him the case. Staring back in disbelief and anger Bobby made no attempt to hide his disgust at the younger man, not realizing that had he not have been so personally tied to this case, and had he not held such huge sympathy for what he knew this woman was going through he would have been impressed. Or he would have done the exact same thing. Quietly extricating himself from Lindsay's grip he approached the young lady and stood before her allowing her a moment to compose herself before attempting to continue questioning. He opened his mouth to begin his barrage of questions that he hoped would pick apart what was left of her beliefs in the events of that night. To ruin her belief that she had the right guy, that even though she hadn't been in control that night she could still trust herself to know what had happened to her, and who had done it to her. Then glancing up at her tear stained face and then slightly to his side towards Lindsay's pale face and tenuously held together composure, he suddenly changed his course, he couldn't do that to her. Stepping closer to the box he looked at her compassionately,  
  
"I'm sorry you have to go through this" he began, "But can you be sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was that man?" he continued pointing to his client, "that man over there that drugged you".  
  
Thinking about it carefully, she slowly shook her head took a deep breath and exhaled while shaking her head.  
  
"No" she whispered.  
  
"Ok" Bobby answered gently, "How do you know he even knew you'd been drugged, the doctors said the drug would of just made you more willing, how can you be sure he wasn't just as deceived as you were?"  
  
"I can't" she answered defeatedly, "I woke up that morning beside him, and then I got sick. The test showed I'd been drugged with a date rape drug, who else could have done it?" she asked, her voice almost pleading to know the truth. "Who else? I woke up with him!"  
  
"You woke up with him" Bobby replied, "But the truth is any one person in that bar could have drugged you, there is no proof to show that my client had knowledge of any illegal action having taken place. How did he act when you confronted him after you got the test".  
  
"He was shocked, like he couldn't believe I'd caught him" she answered finally finding her conviction once again.  
  
"Or maybe like he was just as shocked as you, like he had no idea what had actually happened, is that possible"  
  
She took her time, her face crumbling slightly as she took in the idea that it was quite likely that despite her need to make someone pay this was not the person she needed to punish.  
  
"Yes" she answered.  
  
"Thankyou" Bobby answered softly before smiling slightly at her and returning to his desk. On his return Lindsay looked up at him, her face surprised and elated by the gentle tone and manner he had opted to take. She had been terrified not only of the idea of listening to this girls testimony but also of what Bobby might do, she knew his style, his way of tearing into a victim, of making them think they were wrong, of accusing them of lying. But she'd seen him look at her, and seen his following change of heart, maybe he had imagined the victim as her, or he just hadn't the heart to put her through that. At that moment she was so proud, so proud and happy and yet still so incredibly mad at him.  
  
Bobby watched her face as he returned to the table, she smiled up at him, as if she had noticed his change of heart. He knew she was delighted that he taken that approach, that he had been gentle on her, he also figured she probably knew that it was because he knew her emotions were the mirror of that girl in the box, and he couldn't of possibly done that to her. But as he continued to move towards her, he watched as her face suddenly changed back to its icy glare, and her eyes hardened, as if she had suddenly remembered she was mad at him, maybe not as mad as before, but still very mad. Once again Bobby was very confused.  
  
*******************  
  
Bobby sat quietly in his office, trying to focus on his closing but instead his mind kept wandering back to the sudden change in Lindsay's mood. Bobby couldn't quite work it out, why would she be so mad. He' done everything he could think of to be there for her, he'd gone easy on the victim and he had always been thinking of her. So why! Why was she so damn mad at him? After the victim was finished and Lindsay had no longer needed his support so much, she had slowly inched away from him. Refusing to even acknowledge his presence. Then at the conclusion of the days trial she had simply left him talking to the client and taken a cab back to the office, forcing him to drive back by himself. By the time he had arrived back Lindsay had already typed her notes and suggestions for his closing, left them on his desk and gone home. However the evil glare he received from Bec was enough to let him know that she had at least stayed long enough to explain what he had done, which could have been helpful if only he'd been able to convince Bec to stop swatting him long enough to explain it.  
  
*****************  
  
Bobby had just managed to distract himself long enough to get started on his closing when the slamming of the office door alerted him to the approaching presence of the last person he felt like talking to. Lindsay's faithful avenger, Helen.  
  
Bursting through the door, she never even waited for it to slam behind her before she started her outburst.  
  
"You're an ass" she screeched by way of hello.  
  
"It's great to see you too, Helen" Bobby replied before being rudely cut off by her persistent yelling.  
  
" What the hell were you thinking? It's hard enough for her considering the subject matter, but to let her do it with him there. Why the hell didn't you recuse her as soon as you found out"  
  
"Found out what" Bobby stammered, his mind reeling as he tried to work out exactly what the hell she was on about, "Who's him?"  
  
Helen was visibly shaken by these comments as she suddenly realized that Lindsay hadn't told Bobby about Chris yet. She had just come very close to putting her foot in it, 'Oh well' she thought, 'At least Bobby's so dense he shouldn't figure it out'.  
  
"Lindsay's staying at our place tonight" she muttered as she heading for door, hoping the still confused Bobby wouldn't be able to question her, reaching it she quickly began to slip through it, adding for good measure as she went, "You're still an ass".  
  
Behind her Bobby just watched her go, his mind still reeling as he attempted to work out what exactly had just transpired. Then shaking his head, he simply filed it off to his 'insane acts by Helen' file and returned to his closing.  
  
#############  
  
It was late by the time Bobby finally returned home, he was hoping that Lindsay would be there, but yet he knew she wouldn't. All night he had wrestled with the idea of calling her, begging Helen to let him speak to her and find out how to fix things, but he also knew it would most likely degrade into a fight as he stubbornly defended himself, and she didn't need that right now. Stumbling over to the bed he collapsed onto it and curled up, not bothering to shower or even change, why bother. He had spent so much of the night trying to figure out the meaning of Helen's little outburst, and re-running through the events of that day that by the time he had even finished his closing it was well into the wee hours of the morning. Right now all he wanted to do was get a few hours sleep before trudging off to court, but somehow he knew he wouldn't. His mind was alive, there was something he was missing, he felt like he had all the clues to something important but they just weren't fitting together right. Something was wrong, he couldn't pinpoint what, or even whom it was about, but there it was, this persistent aching knowledge that he was missing something. Trying to focus his mind on anything but, Bobby closed his eyes and attempted to sleep, but still he couldn't get past the idea that it was right there, but what was it.  
  
******************  
  
A few short hours later Bobby was back at the courtroom, silently cursing whoever it was that had shortened the hours that night and left him feeling so terrible. He had hardly managed to get any sleep, that thought kept nagging his mind, trying to focus on something else hadn't helped as everything on turned out to be a possibility in the search for clues. So here he was, exhausted, confused, mad at himself for doing something to upset Lindsay (even if he didn't know what he did) and yet desperately waiting to see her. After a night to calm down he was kinda hoping that she would of forgiven him, but he seriously doubted it was likely, especially with Helen standing by, pitchfork and horns at the ready to bad mouth him whenever she even looked liked relenting. Given both Helen's and Lindsay's reaction to whatever it was he had done he assumed it was pretty bad, and Helen's outburst had only served to further confuse him. What had she said.…….  
  
"Ass!"  
  
No, she'd said that, but that wasn't what he was looking for…………  
  
It's hard enough for her considering the subject matter, but to let her do it with him there.  
  
'Him' who exactly was him… the client…….no of course he would be there, Chris, no why would Lindsay worry about him, sure he's a friend and she would hate to appear vulnerable around him, but surely that wasn't what Helen meant. Maybe………  
  
  
  
"ASS!" Realising that the source of that noise was actually coming from behind him and not his head, he turned suddenly and came face to face with Helen.  
  
"Helen, to what do I owe the pleasure" he asked with as little sincerity as possible.  
  
"Lindsay wanted me to tell you that she is in with the client, if you ever come out of your little dream world you're quite welcome to join them" Unlike Bobby Helen made no move to hide the scorn in her voice.  
  
"Thankyou" he answered snidely and then walked hurriedly towards the room where Lindsay and the client waited.  
  
Slowly opening the door, he hoped that upon opening the door he would find Lindsay looking a little better then he felt, hopefully indicating that her night away had at least given her a chance to relax and get some sleep. But one look at her tired eyes and the dark circles underneath indicated that his hopes were in vain.  
  
"Morning"  
  
"Hey Bobby" the client replied, his eyes terrified at the prospect that today he would hear his fate, and yet his face strangely hopeful, "Lindsay says we have a pretty good chance, Bobby. You ready."  
  
"Sure" he replied absently, his eyes still peeled on Lindsay hoping she would at least acknowledge him, but she didn't. Her eyes remained staring at her hands, which fiddled absently with each other on the tabletop. Just as he was about to attempt to get her attention she looked up and stared right through him, before giving the client a reassuring glance and announcing that it was time for them to go. Disheartened by her obvious show of ignoring him, Bobby only nodded silently and allowed her to pass before turning to follow her.  
  
********************  
  
The time was coming near and for once Bobby was really nervous. He didn't know why, maybe it had something to do with the fact that he had to put this guy back on the streets, even though he couldn't know for sure that the client was innocent, he was almost positive, but was that good enough? I mean what if he had done it, what if he had put that girl through everything that Lindsay had gone through, was still going through, willingly forced on her all the pain and torment that his beautiful Lindsay was going through. But no, he was positive their client was innocent, so maybe it was that for once he actually cared about the victims feelings, he was actually seeing her as a person who had suffered real pain, not just another set of facts to deal with. Or maybe it was this sense, that same overwhelming feeling that he was missing out on something, something big, but now the feeling had changed a little, now he was beginning to feel as though everything was about to come out. Somehow he knew he was about to figure it out, and for some reason finally knowing scared him. He had always just ignored the little things that weren't right, brushed them aside and let them handle themselves, but this he knew wasn't like that he would have to face head on, an idea didn't exactly excite him.  
  
The time between entering the courtroom and Judge Hiller arriving to start proceedings was decidedly uncomfortable for all involved. Lindsay sat quietly her nervousness growing by the second, while her cold demeanour froze any attempt Bobby made to try and support her. Bobby meanwhile was still apprehensive as to what the slowly growing feeling of impending doom he could feel was, and also still puzzled about Lindsay's conflicting moods. Their client just sat nervous and uncomfortable, wondering about both the icy relationship of his attorneys and about who the hell the dark haired bitch behind him was that kept death staring Bobby and mouthing the word ass at him. Luckily for him, before the tension could reach breaking point the judge arrived, and despite how scared he was about the closing arguments and impending decision regarding his fate; it was definitely a welcome relief.  
  
The formality of Judge Hiller actually arriving and starting proceedings went by in a blur for Lindsay whose mind was racing with all the possibilities of how Chris would approach his closing. She knew he would play up the 'poor victim' image, who wouldn't, he had no case and could now only rely on the jury feeling sorry his client. That was what scared her, watching the raw emotion of the victim reliving it had been hard enough yesterday, but the idea of watching that hypocritical bastard talk about it from his clients perspective. Hearing him drone on about her pain, her suffering, how it effects her even still, that would be too much. As if he even cared, how could he watch his victim go through this, knowing he had put her through the exact same thing and yet still act holier than thou. The thought of watching him act in the way she knew he was about to made her sick. She felt physically ill at the thought of it, but her body was filled with anger, her limbs shaking slightly as her muscles tensed and she fought to stop herself from acting out at him. Her reverie into how Chris would conduct his opening was halted as he actually stood to begin. In that moment as she looked at him and prepared herself for what he was to say all her anger at Bobby was momentarily forgotten as she slowly reached under the table and grasped his hand.  
  
'She's holding my hand' Bobby thought, forgetting momentarily that Chris had even begun, 'Lindsay's holding my hand'.  
  
Despite the fact that the women sitting beside him was his fiance, he still felt as happy as a teenager on his first date as he felt her slip her hand into his and squeeze it nervously, he was forgiven. Maybe. Looking over at her face and the way she was still avoiding eye contact with him he realised maybe he was wrong, she just needed support and this was her one avenue of getting it. Pushing his hope aside, Bobby turned to focus on Chris's closing. In front of him Chris was pacing back and forth in front of the jury, preaching to them on the evil's of a society in which a young woman could be date-raped and then through clever lawyering her rapist put back on the streets. As Chris moved onto the evils of the defendant himself Bobby felt Lindsay's hand tighten slightly in his, out of the corner of his eye he could see her shaking her head ever so slightly in disgust. Her eyes blazed with uncontrolled anger as they bored hatefully into Chris's back.  
  
That didn't make sense, Chris was talking about how horrible the crime is, not advocating it, why would she be mad at him for speaking about how disgusted he is with anyone who could do such a thing.  
  
Suddenly that little nagging feeling he had turned into a nagging voice and started assailing his mind with images and phrases from the past few days.  
  
It's hard enough for her considering the subject matter, but to let her do it with him there.  
  
'HIM', who was him?  
  
From nowhere came the image of Lindsay, finding out who the DA was, he could once again see all the colour draining from her face as she raced toward the conference room and out of his sight. But that was just because he was a friend wasn't it, why else would she react like that, its just Lindsay and her stubborn pride. Then it hit him, something that hadn't even registered at the time, the look of absolute horror on Bec's face. That had nothing to do with Lindsay's stubborn pride, nothing.  
  
His hand began to hurt now as Lindsay began clenching it so tightly her hand was shaking with the effort, or maybe with barely restrained anger. The sudden pain disrupted his thoughts and he quickly tuned back into Chris's opening, even with all the time Bobby had spent off in his thoughts Chris was still expounding on just how horrible their client really was. Did the jury really want to live in a world where rapists went unpunished, free to commit again and escalate into even greater crimes? Bobby couldn't help but notice it was at the few times when Chris mentioned his own personal disgust at the defendant that Lindsay seemed the most affected.  
  
At that Bobby found himself drifting back into his thoughts and returning to the previous day, just before Lindsay had gotten mad at him. He'd been talking to Chris; she'd only approached at the end so all she would have heard would have been him saying,  
  
"No deals Chris, its not like he actually committed a crime".  
  
Oh God, he thought, as it hit him,  
  
It's hard enough for her considering the subject matter, but to let her do it with him there. 'Him' was Chris, that Bastard.  
  
Lindsay recoiled as Bobby moved suddenly beside her, his hand wrenched from her grip as he angrily threw his chair back and moved leapt out of it. She froze in shock as Bobby jumped, his face reddened with anger and his blue eyes blazing like fire as he flew toward Chris. At that point everything else just disappeared as she watched Bobby fly into Chris, his fist slamming into the startled man's jaw and knocking in an ungracious heap on the floor.  
  
It was then Lindsay slipped back into the present, Judge Hiller could be heard screaming for security as she watched outraged. The gallery was frozen in both shock and fear as they watched the two attorney's grappling in front of the jury. Chris was screaming at Bobby to get off him, and from somewhere she could hear her own voice screaming, in a strangled tear stained voice at Bobby to stop. But above it all, the one voice she could hear clearly, the one voice that shook right through her and kept reverberating in her ears was Bobby's hate filled voice screaming at Chris, screaming one thing over and over again.  
  
"You hypocritical Bastard"  
  
************************************************  
  
It was almost as if she had slipped outside her own body, like she was watching from afar, she could almost see herself standing frozen to spot while all hell broke loose around her. Her eyes staring unseeing and still as two guards moved forward and attempted to pry the outraged Bobby off Chris, and then proceeded to drag him from the courtroom. Bobby's eyes were blazing with fury, his face had gone an unnatural shade of red and his breathing reminded her more of an angry bull than anything else. She knew that beside her Judge Hiller's face would be contorting into roughly the same image, as her eyes moved from Bobby to Lindsay, and back again their depths filled with anger and confusion, it was a look Lindsay had seen before. But all that seemed irrelevant, it didn't matter, because if she just closed her eyes, closed them real tight and repeated over and over 'this is not happening, this is not happening'. When she opened them this would just be another of the horrible Bobby finding out about Chris scenario's she had been imagining all week. This one was the worst so far and she hoped it would be over soon.  
  
Her silent mantra was suddenly halted as she heard her name called in a voice filled with desperation and longing,  
  
"Lindsay" there it was again, and now she knew it was ok, it was all a bad dream, that voice was just Bobby trying vainly to wake her from it. But as she opened her eyes she knew once and for all this was real. She hadn't awakened to find Bobby near her his eyes blazing with concern about her nightmare. No, instead she had found him still being dragged out of the courtroom, fighting the guards every step of the way as he reached out towards her calling her name his voice begging her to understand, and then he was gone. She knew she should probably go after him, let him explain himself once and for all, but she couldn't it was too much easier to just pretend it wasn't happening. So there she stood in the middle of it all, the middle of the still stunned gallery, the people rushing to help Chris and a very irate Judge Hiller, she just stood, letting it all just pass over her.  
  
None of the repercussions were happening to her, all she could see played over and over in her head was Bobby lurching at Chris as his voice repeated over and over 'you hypocritical bastard'. It was there frozen in her mind like tape stuck playing the same scene over and over, it may have been the one thing she wanted to forget but right now it was the only thing she could see. Or it was at least until she was snapped out of her reverie by an angry voice that somehow managed to be heard over the painfully loud sound of Bobby's screams that were reverberating in her ears.  
  
"Ms Dole" her eyes began searching in vain for voice that had pulled her from her thoughts.  
  
"Ms Dole" her eyes snapped up at the sound of the voice increasing in intensity and venom, and she immediately wished she hadn't as she met with the blazing eyes of Judge Hiller. Looking around her she noticed the room was now empty all except for her, Hiller and very worried looking Helen who was standing in the gallery, her eyes wide with shock and never leaving Lindsay's bleached white face.  
  
Lindsay's mind ran quickly through the events of the last few seconds, hadn't Bobby just been here, wasn't the room full, how long had she just been standing there.  
  
"Care to explain Ms Dole" Hiller's voice asked.  
  
"Uh, um" No, no she didn't, right now explaining it would be too real, and real, well, real was bad. Finally breaking her eyes from their fascinating spot on the wall she looked up into Hiller's face, which was graced with an amazing contrast of confusion, anger and compassion, it was too much, too much questioning, too much caring, too much of everything cause this wasn't really happening.  
  
Helen's appearance at her side registered as a hand placed itself on her shoulder and shook slightly as if hoping to wake her from the trance she had slipped into, but it wasn't enough, her mind barely registered the presence before slipping away again.  
  
"Ms Dole" This time it was spoken with such force, such inquisitive driving force that it all suddenly dawned, this was real.  
  
Seeing Lindsay's eyes begin to widen slightly in shock and realization Helen decided to take action, she wouldn't let Hiller force Lindsay into breaking down right here, she had to convince her to just leave and give her some time. Stepping forward slightly she placed herself almost between Lindsay and Hiller.  
  
'Hiller, Don't' she spoke her voice low and threatening. Stepping aside slightly and back into Lindsay's range Hiller turned give one last defiant look at Helen before once again attempting to obtain a response from the still silent but quietly stirring Lindsay.  
  
Lindsay was slowly coming round to it all as the effect of Helen and Hiller's slowly escalating argument in front of her started to wear in. Despite all her pleas for it to not be true and her minds insistence to remain in denial she had to face it, this was all happening. Bobby had just done everything she had dreaded he would do, everything that she had hoped he would never ever do to her. With that thought her amazement and shock turned into something else, into blind passionate anger. The two standing in the room almost stepped away in fright at the look of fire that suddenly filled her eyes, the way her stance changed and she was suddenly so dominant. The look filling her eyes and hardening her features was one of barely controlled, overriding anger which caused her two witnesses to retreat slightly from her. Sensing their retreat and seeing her break Lindsay turned sharply on her heel and stalked off in the same direction Bobby had previously been dragged, her eyes focussed dead ahead as she sought her prey.  
  
  
  
*******************************  
  
Bobby sat waiting in his cell, his hands frozen to his face as the exact gravity of his actions began to seep in. In one stupid stupid moment of rage he had just done something that doubted Lindsay would ever forgive him for. It had just hit him so hard, this man who he had laughed and joked with the previous day, this man who had always thought was one of the more decent DA's had done that. Every little moment of hurt, shame and upset he had watched Lindsay go through over the past few days had been caused by the man standing in front of him, the man who had been going on and on about just how disgusting their client was. That hypocritical ass.  
  
He had felt what it was doing to Lindsay, all the hurt, anger and shame was mounting up on her, his hand still bore the indents from where she had attempted to seek his comfort and ended using it as a way of releasing her pent up emotions. That's when it had hit him, why would she be so mad at Chris, that and Helen's not so subtle, ignorant hints had led him right to it, albeit very slowly but they had and he had blown it. In a matter of seconds he had lost his head and done something stupid even by his standards, he'd blown it for his client, it would take some smart talking to rectify this in Hiller's eyes, and he'd blown it with Lindsay. He could only imagine just how mad she would be, or maybe she wasn't even that. When he had last seen her she appeared shell-shocked, withdrawn, god maybe she was beyond anger, maybe she didn't even care what happened to him, if she did wouldn't she be here by now, wouldn't she have followed him down and let him have it. Oh god he'd really done it this time.  
  
Bobby's head snapped up as he heard the sound of heels slapping angrily on the floor heading quickly toward him. Thank god she was coming, he knew she'd be angry, but at least she was here at least she was coming to see him. He could handle angry Lindsay, hurt, upset Lindsay was so much harder to deal with. Bobby continued to stare as she drew closer until he could finally make out the look on her face, when upon seeing the angry set of her jaw and the hostile look in her eyes he realized maybe hurt, upset Lindsay wasn't such a bad option after all.  
  
***********************************  
  
Lindsay could feel her rage building as she approached, she had almost expected herself to feel sorry for him when she saw him, but instead the pathetic image of him sitting head in hands, shoulders slouched and slightly shaking instead called forth even more rage at him. She knew he was aware of her presence when his head snapped up from its pathetic position, his eyes searching bewildered for her face, before settling on it and quickly assuming a rage breaking puppy dog stare. But not this time, it wouldn't work this time. He knew it too, as soon as his eyes met hers and he read the anger behind them the puppy dog eyes disappeared, he knew they wouldn't help him out this time. She watched as he abruptly sat up, his eyes closing over and his breathing becoming slightly erratic as he sat waiting for her outburst. That one movement was almost enough to break Lindsay's steely resolve to draw blood, this was something she was unprepared for Bobby actually showing remorse for his actions. For once in his damn life Bobby Donnell acknowledged that he was wrong, that he had stuffed up, if she wasn't so damn pissed off she might of recorded this moment for posterity.  
  
As she drew closer to him her steely resolve began to crack even further, by now her rage was being slowly weakened by the ever increasing number of emotions that were now fighting to overtake her mind. She was still so mad at him, but at the same time hurt by his actions in front of everyone, kinda pleased he had felt the need to protect her like that and also so very upset and mixed up. Right now her mind was arguing the benefits of tearing him to pieces or simply falling into his arms and holding on while she cried a couple of years worth of tears. But she didn't, instead she stood staring at him, just in front of the bars, her eyes boring through his still closed lids. She knew he was sitting waiting for her to fight him, waiting for any outburst that might come, maybe that was easier for him, to just let her confront him, maybe he was so remorseful he felt only worthy of feeling her wrath (or she could at least hope that was the case). While walking down here her mind had been consumed with exactly what to say, a thousand different phrases and words that together managed to convey the myriad of emotions she was feeling. But now, now she was lost, so she simply stood there, not really waiting for him to make the first move, more just trying to work out exactly what she going to do.  
  
That was not how Bobby saw it, to him she appeared completely cold, her eyes bored into his, and despite the fact his eyes were closed he could tell that deep emotion was flickering through them. Even in his mind he could see her face, and the look that he knew would be gracing it, her eyes would be cold and unrelenting at first before staring deep into his and conveying her pain more clearly then her words ever could. That was why his eyes remained closed, he knew the pain he had caused her, he knew what his one moment of blind anger had done and that was something hard enough for him to face. But to see it those eyes, to see such pain in those eyes and know that the hurt in them belonged to the one person who he never ever wanted to feel pain again would be too hard. So instead he sat there eyes closed, with the impulse to open them growing ever more with every passing second she was silent. Until finally he could take her silence no more and he spoke.  
  
"Lindsay"  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
He spoke. He actually spoke, and with that one word everything she had been feeling came flooding back.  
  
"Don't" she whispered, her voice was soft but carried an unmistakably sharp edge to it, each word laced with venom that served to silence Bobby, not through fear but through the knowledge of just how much pain the venom in those words was fueled by. Lindsay watched as he sat back slowly, took a deep breath and once again closed his eyes as he nodded his head slowly and waited for what was to come. But it didn't, Bobby sat silently in his cell hoping that she would yell and scream that she would punish him and he could avoid having to face the pain he had caused. But she didn't. Lindsay simply stood there, completely unaware of exactly how she was feeling and therefore how she should approach the situation. Part of her was dying to yell, to release all her long pent frustration and anger on him, while another couldn't get over exactly how vehemently he had stood up for her. Which only made the situation more confusing. Every time she came close to letting her anger go, to just letting it all out at him she would realize that Bobby's intense reaction to Chris was simply out of his love for her and his rage at anyone hurting her. He'd been so consumed worrying about her and feeling her pain he'd lost all track of reality, knowing this was what made this all so hard. Being angry would have been easy, she would have blown her top, then gotten over it and found a way to forgive him, but instead she was filled not by anger but by pain. Bobby's actions had brought forth so much repressed pain; so many feelings had assaulted her mind, and leaving her standing reeling in shock in front of a room of people.  
  
So instead Lindsay simply stood there, her voice and mind conveying very little that actually made sense, while her eyes instead conveyed it all. Her hurt, compassion, confusion, anger, all directed at him, and as Bobby finally realized that Lindsay was not about to say anything to him, that she was not going to make this easier for him, he opened his eyes. Turning to look at her, his eyes unconsciously avoided hers as he struggled to understand her mood from her expression alone, knowing that if she was unable to yell, to let him know just how much of an ass he really was then he didn't want to see her eyes. He didn't want to acknowledge exactly how much she was hurting right now, because of him. It hurt enough knowing that even though he hadn't caused the pain, even though he hadn't been the one to hurt, he'd been blind he had let her face the man who did in a setting so similar to one she could of faced herself. He'd been ignorant, blind to the reasons behind her surfacing emotions, and then he'd brought all to the surface, he'd let his emotions get the better of him and he'd brought it all out in the open. Despite the fact that Lindsay hadn't even been able to fully face it with him he'd let it erupt to the surface in the presence of complete strangers. Mind you, as mad as he was at himself he couldn't help but think that maybe if she had trusted him enough to know, trusted him enough to confide in him this wouldn't of happened. He could of spent the time going through all this with her, holding her, helping himself deal with his rage and need to protect her and her with the long buried emotions his presence was resurfacing. If that had happened this wouldn't of been such a shock he would have had some warning about the sudden wrath and hate Chris had inspired in him, or he could of planned it better so he at least did more damage to the bastard.  
  
But if Lindsay had noticed that Bobby had been reawakened to the situation, if she had noticed his eyes imploring her to show him some sign of her current state of mind without forcing him to face the depth of emotion which he knew would be lying behind her eyes, she didn't let on.  
  
"Lindsay" he whispered again, his voice carrying an edge to it that begged her to let him in. But as soon as he did he noticed the tensing of her face, how she set her jaw slightly in pain or anger, the way she unconsciously flinched away from his voice and mentally kicked himself for even trying. So with that option taken, knowing that he couldn't attempt to bring it all out in the open, that talking was not an option, and that he would indeed have to wait for her to approach him Bobby took his only other option, her eyes. The one part of her that wouldn't wait till she was ready, or till she felt she could talk about it, the one part of this incredibly strong woman that could always betray her by revealing her deepest feelings. The one part of her that would allow him to see so clearly every emotion that currently swirling through her mind. Raising his eyes and staring into hers, it took Bobby only a second to find his way past the icy façade that she had built, past the walls that had been thrown up in a instant around her still fragile mind. Into the one place were every single emotion, every single pain he had caused her, was laid bare for him to witness. He once again found himself grounded, stunned and disgusted by the simple fact that he had managed single handedly to cause this depth of emotion within the one person whom he had vowed never to allow to feel pain again.  
  
Lindsay watched as he finally found the courage to seek out her eyes, she was someone rarely lost for words and knowing this it had only been a matter of time before he lost patience and sought the brutally honest emotion that she knew lay within them. It often annoyed her that no matter what, she could never hide from him, nothing could be kept secret from him once he had found out where to look, where to go when her mind could not quite put her thoughts into words. That drove her mad, the idea that he always knew her, that no matter how brave she pretended to be, how confident she appeared, he always knew, and yet today…today it was a blessing. She watched as he recoiled in shock, as the emotions played across his face and he realized exactly what he had done. His actions and his face showed two distinct reactions, the first being his sudden realization of exactly what it would take to find his way out of this mess, if he ever could. The second, the second she was surprised by- pain, as soon as he saw it there, the true depth of her pain, anger, confusion and love for him exactly what she was feeling was reflected back at her from the depths of his own eyes. With that she almost found the courage to talk, to voice the conflicted feelings running through her mind, to question his stupidity, his love, his actions.. But she couldn't. Her mind was still so clouded with unresolved feeling, with so many conflicting emotions, so much indecision; it was still struggling to decide exactly how to face him. As her mind was still reeling, still contemplating what to say to him her body decided for her. Without conscious thought she turned paused briefly to regain any lost composure and then walked away, turning only once to look back, to make sure he was ok, and seeing that he was she left. There was still a huge mess to be sorted out at the courthouse, maybe by the time she had righted that, hopefully by the time she had hidden behind her mask of devoted lawyer, and solved all the simple problems she would be able to face this one.  
  
Behind her Bobby never moved, never acknowledged her leaving, never questioned why she would turn and walk off, he knew. He knew by now exactly what he had done, exactly what he had caused, and even he didn't know how to react to himself. On one thought he was beside himself with anger at Chris, on the other at himself. Granted he had only done what he had done because he couldn't stand the thought of someone hurting her, couldn't stand the idea that this man was standing before him acting like he was so pure, so clean, when right beside him Lindsay was going through it all alone. That she was forced to listen to this man degrade their client, and knowing that he had done the same thing to her. The man was a hypocrite, a horrible excuse for humanity. He was up there putting her through it all again, making her listen to him retell the victims story knowing that it must be taking Lindsay right back to that night. Making her listen to him as he degrades the client, tells him how disgusted he is by the man, all the while making himself out to be perfect. All the while pointing out how his client must feel, how degraded she must feel, how sick it must make her, and yet what he did to Lindsay that wasn't supposed to affect her at all, almost as if he viewed her as not worthy of the pain. On the other hand, he was mad, mad at her. Why hadn't she told him, granted he was an ass for causing her all this pain but he did so pain partly because it was such shock for him to finally see it, she was mad at him for this and yet if she had trusted him enough to tell him it wouldn't of happened. He could of dealt with it, or at least shoved his desire to kill the little bastard into his vault until after the trial, but no instead it hits him suddenly and of course he doesn't think…he just wanted to make the bastard pay for hurting his Lindsay. Then at the same time he himself, her own fiancé, had caused her more pain. He had made her face it all in front of a crowded galley, in front of a judge who would no doubt ask questions, in front of reporters who would no doubt be looking for the story. Worse yet in front of friends and colleagues, in front of the very people who she fought her whole life to look the picture of strength and professionalism.  
  
Staring after the her, down the dark hall she had long since left Bobby Donnell found himself silently praying that in one moment of anger he hadn't forever ruined the life which he had suddenly been finding to be so perfect.  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
Helen had found her way outside the courtroom, and then despite the knowledge she had things to do and places to be they had carried her to this very spot, the very spot where she had now been standing for over half an hour. The very spot was right in front of the door that led to the cells, right in front of the place where she hoped Lindsay would soon be walking out of. If not she could only assume Lindsay was now being detained for questioning following the brutal murder of one very deserving ass of a defense attorney. She couldn't say she would blame her, hell she'd be the first with congratulatory flowers, not because she could fault him though. Hell she thought it sweet that he would kill Chris, the fact that the idea of him hurting Lindsay at all had been enough to cause Bobby's explosion, but the fact that even now Bobby could see him hurting her all over again had been too much. She'd seen it, the way he stared at her, at Chris, at Lindsay again and then it hit him and he'd lost it. The idea of anyone doing this to her was too much for him, even knowing what he might lose had not been as important to him as protecting her from having to face the hypocritical bastard ever again. But she could fault him for how he had chosen to do it, my god the look in Lindsay's eyes after it happened, the look on her face. In all the time she had known Lindsay she had never seen something hit her so hard, and for that reason Bobby was an ass, protecting someone was no good if the way you went about it hurt them more.  
  
Helen was ousted from her thoughts suddenly as the door opened and revealed a still shell shocked, but slightly more together Lindsay. Rushing forward Helen greeted her just outside the door, and said nothing she just wrapped her arms around her and tried to show her that even though she knew Lindsay would consider the idea of showing emotion in this place outrageous, she knew and she was there for her. Helen felt Lindsay lean into the hug briefly, silently thanking her for her support, and then she pulled away, turning to walk off in the direction of chambers.  
  
"Linds" Helen asked, catching up to her and placing a hand on her shoulder, "Where are you going? What are you going to do?"  
  
"Hiller" Lindsay muttered back.  
  
"Linds" she whispered forcefully as she grabbed her shoulder and tried to stop her, "Lindsay….Did you talk to him? What did you do Linds?"  
  
Lindsay stopped suddenly and turned to towards her, her face slowly melting as she thought about it, about that scene in Bobby's cell, her inability to talk to him and his intense reaction to her emotion.  
  
"I couldn't do it" she whispered, her voice reaching the closest to breaking point she would ever allow it to in this place, "I wanted to yell at him, to hold him, to hate him and love all at the same time…I didn't know what to do Helen. So I just left, I let him see what he had done to me, and then I left, I just left" With that said she once again turned and headed off towards the judges chambers, Helen following close behind.  
  
"Lindsay" Helen begged, "Don't go in there like this, don't. Just back off, take some time to think it through first, please"  
  
"No," Lindsay replied, as she stopped and turned back towards Helen, her eyes having once again filled with that familiar Dole fire and determination. "I want this over" she whispered vehemently, her eyes blazing with passion and strength as she did. With that she turned heel and strode determinably down the hall towards Hiller's chambers. Witnessing the change, and seeing the old Lindsay back again, even if it was only for now Helen had to hold back a smile and silently pray Hiller was ready for what was coming.  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
Hiller looked up suddenly as the door to her chambers rocked violently on its hinges following what she could only assume was a fierce knocking, or someone being physically assaulted against it. Guessing it was a knock, and knowing that only one person she could think of would be angry enough to take that much emotion out on the innocent door, Hiller quickly sat, prepared herself for what was to come and invited the woman in.  
  
As the door slowly began to open Judge Hiller could feel her anger at the woman outside building. Not only had Lindsay gone ahead with the case when it had been obvious to all throughout the trial that she was struggling to cope, but also for the mockery this women had just helped make of her courtroom. She honestly couldn't imagine why Lindsay would have been so foolish as to proceed with the trial seeing the effect it had on her, or why Bobby had not stopped her himself. Throughout the trial Lindsay had barely seemed to even be within the same room as the case, and had at times seemed to be feeling exactly what the victim herself was.  
  
Suddenly the door was open, it may of started the journey slowly but the person behind it was obviously in no mood for anything peaceful and sent it flying backwards into the wall behind it. Hiller knew that should of only added to her anger, but looking up she came eye to eye with the target of that anger, standing there before her was a young woman trying so hard to appear strong, committed and yet behind it all Judge Hiller could see the pain. The fresh wounds that had been inflicted by what had occurred in that room were plainly visible over what she could only imagine were old and yet never quite completely healed scars on her memory and soul. In that one second of seeing the pain etched across her features, the startling similarities to those shown on the face of a different young women who only recently had sat beside Hiller and recounted her own painful story, she knew. She knew exactly why Lindsay had battled so vainly with the bare emotion of the case, why every single moment of pain on the young victim's face was reflected so clearly in Lindsay's own. Knowing Lindsay, even as little she did she knew she would never have talked openly about her experience, never really opened up and cried at the time it happened, or ever acknowledged it since, she would of seen that as weakness. Yet now as it was all coming back to bite her in the ass she probably wished she had.  
  
The only thing Hiller did not yet understand was Bobby's reaction, why on earth would he attack Chris, why there? Why then? As she nodded for Lindsay to enter and watched as the women slowly made her way to sit before her Hiller's mind wandered back over exactly what had happened. Chris had been doing his closing, repeating to the jury exactly how heinous he believed this defendant to be, and Bobby had just exploded.  
  
'Oh god' Hiller thought as it she remembered exactly what Bobby had said 'You hypocritical Bastard' There was only one reason Bobby would ever act so violently, so passionately, and that reason was sitting before her, Lindsay.  
  
"Chris" she whispered, her eyes seeking Lindsay's hoping for an answer, it had been Chris who had done this to her, hell if it was still in her hands she would of released Bobby then and there while allowing him to walk out of the courthouse to a standing ovation.  
  
Lindsay sat shock still as the look of sudden understanding crossed Hiller's face, the fact her secret was out and that most of the courtroom probably knew by now had before this only been a distant fear. But as that look crossed Hiller's face and as Hiller turned her eyes to Lindsay's own it hit home. Especially as she heard her whisper his name, her eyes seeking Lindsay's and silently asking for validation, Lindsay never answered but somehow Hiller knew anyway.  
  
"Let him go" Lindsay asked, her soft voice filled with unshed tears, and her eyes begging Hiller to make this easy for her. She knew no explanation was needed, no apology either, she could just ask this and have that be all.  
  
Lindsay stared Hiller directly in the eyes, hers silently begging that Hiller make this easy, that she just let him go, call a mistrial and have that be it. Lindsay already knew that when she returned home that night she would have one battle on her hands, she was hoping to not have to battle first to even be allowed the opportunity of a later battle. But she knew, as soon as that look of regret passed across Hiller's face she knew, this would not be easy.  
  
"I can't Lindsay. If it was up to me I'd let him go in a instant, that boy can never think straight when it comes to protecting you and I almost find that honorable" She explained, her forced whisper going immediately making Lindsay aware of her regret at the situation. "But I can't. Chris is pressing charges Lindsay, he has Bobby up on assault, bodily harm, and as far as the law is concerned he has to stay there till he is arraigned and bail is set. The case, I'm calling a mistrial, I suggest you give it to someone else before the new date, I will not let either you or Bobby try this case again. I don't care what happens between now and then or how the two of you deal with this, if this case comes before me again with either of your names attached to it I'll have you kicked off".  
  
Lindsay silently nodded her acceptance and then stood to leave. As she did Hiller's mind once again traveled to the topic that was bothering her, why exactly Bobby had waited so long to react and why he had done it where he did? When she remembered, the shock in his eyes, the way he had seemed so deep in thought and then it was as though something had suddenly hit him, and he'd reacted without time for thought. Nodding to herself silently Hiller finally had it figured out and had to question why Lindsay would be so stupid as to even attempt to try this case.  
  
"You never told him. Did you? You got up, tried this case and made a mockery of both me and my courtroom because you were too ashamed to tell him."  
  
"No" Lindsay yelled back, her features losing the fragility they had held only minutes before and taking on a defiant steely glare that threatened Hiller not to continue.  
  
"Then why? Why the hell would you do this to yourself and him?"  
  
And with that it was gone, the fight that had appeared momentarily in Lindsay's eyes shrunk back and was once again replaced by indecision and hurt. Turning away from Hiller she ignored the question took a deep breath once again plastered her untouchable, emotionless face on and marched for door.  
  
"Why?" Hiller demanded behind her, "I think considering the mess you made by doing this I have a right to know"  
  
"I told him what happened, its not that" she whispered, her hand frozen on the door handle, while still facing away and refusing to look towards the irate judge. "I told him what, just not who. I mean hell we all saw what happened, I knew it would if I told him. I was hoping he wouldn't find out, I played the hand I was dealt. OK. Happy now, I was wrong".  
  
"Then why Lindsay? Why take the case? If you'd stayed away….."  
  
"I needed to see if I could" she whispered so quietly Hiller could almost believe she hadn't spoken at all, but then Linds turned and continued on. "I've hidden from this for years. I told two people, not because I wanted too, not to help deal but because I had too. That's a lot of bottled emotion, and I wanted to refuse the case, but if I had everyone would want a reason, a reason I couldn't give them and I guess I really thought I was over it. I needed to prove to myself just how over it I was, prove I could face it." The sudden bitter desire to laugh overcame her and she did before stating sarcastically "and I guess I really get to face it now don't I" She laughed again, turned away and then began to open the door.  
  
Watching this Hiller could not help but make one final comment.  
  
"What he did was stupid Lindsay, but you know him. This is a man who never shies from showing his emotions in court, gets visibly upset, angry, but he never loses focus, never loses it like he did today. Bobby buries his emotions so deep, he's shown anger in court, hatred, but going beyond that that's something he doesn't do, he doesn't let people see his real emotion, doesn't let people see anything that could be viewed as weakness. This is a man who I have never known to be lost for words Lindsay, and these past few days, he has been so focussed on you, so focussed on figuring out why you hurt and how to make it go away he became a blubbering fool. I'm not happy about the mess he turned my courtroom into and I'll take that up with him before he's out but he'll say he didn't care, his surroundings were a blur. He just did anything he could to make you stop hurting, and to make the man who did this to you pay. It was stupid, like the last time he lost it like this." Pausing for a second Hiller was surprised to hear Lindsay's confused voice asking,  
  
"Last time?"  
  
"When you were stabbed he took a case he shouldn't of and he basically turned the guy in. Bobby has only ever wanted to defend people, its his passion and yet he could of given it all away that day because all he could think of was you, of making everything better for you. Anyone else seeing a pattern here?".  
  
Throughout the whole speech Lindsay continued staring in the other direction, watching the door as if it were some bizarre science experiment. As Hiller finished she nodded her head once to show the message was received, lifted a hand to wipe the one stray tear that had managed to escape and then raising her chin and straightening her shoulders she made her way out.  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
It was almost an hour later when Helen eventually managed to find Lindsay again. She had brushed past her and out of the courthouse so fast that afternoon that by the time Helen had even managed to drag herself back from the virtual Bobby torture chamber she had installed in her mind, Linds was gone. Since then Helen had been driving, rather recklessly, to every place she could possible think of Lindsay being…..Her home, the jail, the park, every damn place they knew of that sold something strong to drink and now finally, the one place that had she actually been thinking she would of checked first, the office.  
  
Walking in she noticed that the normally vibrant place was now deathly silent, all eyes were turned towards Bobby's office watching the object of Helen's search as she sat stock still at Bobby's desk, her eyes never blinking and mind obviously far away. All eyes watched Linds that is, except Lucy, the young usually flighty woman was sitting at her desk, her face holding an expression of pure fear and her eyes darting between Lindsay and the door as if preparing herself for a quick dash should Linds actually attempt to move. It was rather obvious none of them knew exactly what had transpired at the courthouse, or why Lindsay had returned to them minus Bobby and in a foul mood, and as far as Helen was concerned that was how it would stay.  
  
"Care to explain this little episode to us Helen" Eugene asked, and seeing the restraint obvious on Helen's face and the way she pointedly ignored the question he continued with "I think we deserve to know considering the what we've seen and put up with this last hour".  
  
"You know what Eugene, it's really none of your damn business"  
  
"Where's Bobby then"  
  
"Jail…..He'll call soon he needs a rep at his committal hearing" She replied flippantly hoping her tone would indicate just how little else she was willing to share. "Bec?" she asked, while tilting her head towards Lindsay's prone form and heading that way herself.  
  
Knowing this was something to do with Chris and that her and Helen were the only two who knew of the situation and could help Bec swallowed her fear and stood to make her way into the lion's den.  
  
Stopping Helen just outside the door, Bec lowered her voice so none of the others could overhear and asked the question on everyone's mind,  
  
"Helen, what the hell happened?"  
  
"Chris got up and did his closing, he made himself out like he was the hero, the clean one, Lindsay was getting mad, you could see it. And then….." Helen paused, as her mind was cast back to that moment in time, the moment when everything clicked for Bobby and it was all just too damn much.  
  
"Then…….." Bec pried, half in the interest of helping Lindsay, and half cause she just damn well wanted to know what the idiot had done this time.  
  
"He just kinda figured out, like everything Lindsay had said or done during the trial hit him at once, all clicked into place, and he lost it. He…..He jumped Chris, belted the shit out of him, and then they dragged him away. That's all I know, Linds went and saw Hiller but I have no idea what happened. She came out all glassy eyed, but determined she walked right past me and out the exit. I ran, I screamed, I made a fool of myself yet again and she never responded, can't help but wonder where her thoughts are going."  
  
With that Helen gave Bec one last pleading stare to help her out and then pushed the door open and entered the office. Behind her Bec hesitantly moved to follow wondering at the same time if maybe she wouldn't be smarter just returning to her desk and dealing with the wrath of Helen later. However after one more look through the office glass at the fixed eyes and morose expression of the women at Bobby's desk. And also the Helen's frosted glare as her eyes warned Bec of the wrath and pain she would face later if she did leave, Bec slowly and almost regretfully made the move to the door and slowly pushed it open.  
  
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Once inside the office Bec moved quickly and took her place in front of the desk with Helen, Lindsay however never responded to their presence, or their repeated attempts at calling her name and rousing her from her thoughts. In the end after repeated attempts Helen grew frustrated with her silent friend and stepped forward grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her gently until Lindsay's eyes cleared and she looked up them as if stunned by their presence.  
  
"Helen" she whispered her voice demonstrating her confusion and shock at their sudden appearance, "how'd, when did you get here?"  
  
"Sweetie, we've been here for five minutes trying to reach you, what are you thinking about?"  
  
Lindsay paused for a second her mind thinking over her options as she searched for the right explanation, "Payback" she finally replied, her voice losing its frailty and confusion in that instant as her eyes took on an almost malevolent gleam and her lips twisted into a small grin. "Revenge".  
  
Raising her eyes to meet Helen she noted a similar look of joy and malevolence in her eyes, as her mind visibly began to race through all possible scenarios.  
  
"Not Bobby, Helen" She said forcefully, and watched as all the joy and fun ran from Helen's eyes and she returned Lindsay's look with one similar to those Lindsay had witnessed on the faces of spoilt toddlers. "Chris"  
  
"What, why…… I mean why now Linds? After all this time, why now?" Bec questioned, her mind had originally gone to thoughts of revenge on Bobby too and now, while she loved Bobby and honestly could understand his reaction, she was a little annoyed at the idea of not getting to hurt him for his actions. "You could of at the time Linds, why now? I know it hurts now, and its all coming back to haunt you, but why now make him pay?"  
  
"I spoke to Hiller, asked to get Bobby out. I can't, Chris is pressing charges, Bobby was only trying to protect me, albeit a few years too late, and now Chris is having him charged. I need to use what he did to me to talk him out of it, to make him let Bobby go……….so I can kill him myself"  
  
"But how?" Bec implored, her mind wondering what on earth could be done now, years after the crime to make the man regret his actions and see Bobby's actions as just deserts. "Linds, you can't get him for it now, you have no evidence it would come down to his word against yours. That's not something you wanna live through Linds".  
  
"Yes she can" Helen whispered evilly, her voice easily projecting to the others exactly how excited she was at the prospect.  
  
"Helen" Bec intoned, her voice warning the woman not to get to excited and make prospect seem too real.  
  
"What" Helen replied, her tone indicating her frustration at Bec's lack of action, "We can Bec, I have all the proof we need"  
  
"How?" Lindsay asked, her shock clearly evident as she came to terms with Helen's announcement.  
  
"That day in my office Linds, I told you just say the word, and I prosecute him. There is no way I would put you through that if I couldn't damage him." Helen explained, then seeing the look of disbelief on the others faces she explained further, "He's a DA Linds, maybe what I have can't get me a guilty verdict, but it can sure ruin his life. No one wants a prosecutor who has rape charges against them, we're the good guys, and we've got all we need to scare him Linds. We have enough to file a claim, if we scare him enough he'll do anything you want."  
  
"So what'd we do?" Linds asked, "We file the claim, or we just scare the little boy half to death and watch him squirm? Wonder if I can make him wet himsonder if I can make him wet himsto a victorious smile as she said this, she knew the answer. Chris was gonna get the fright of his life, and she couldn't wait.  
  
"So what do you have Helen? Or are we just going in there with an allegation?" Bec questioned again, her joy at the idea of making Chris pay being slightly overwhelmed by the realization that should they fail this was one case that would live to haunt Lindsay forever. "Really Helen, we can't afford to fail here, he has to let Bobby go, he has to drop it all, then Bobby and Linds can deal, move on and forget about it."  
  
Helen's eyes met Bec's defiantly, she'd just been challenged and she was going to prove they could do this, especially since the mere mention of Bobby had once again cast Lindsay into her spiral of depression. Her eyes had lost the sparkle they had previously possessed and were now filled with a pain that she knew only one person could ever take away. Bobby. And she was gonna make damn sure he did make it out, damn sure he was going to make it all better for Lindsay, or she was going to kill him.  
  
"I have the medical report, showing the presence of the date rape drug in a Lindsay's system". Noticing the shocked look that over took both Rebecca and Lindsay's features she hastened to explain. "I'm sorry Linds, I know I went behind your back to get it, but you didn't want to make a big deal out of it and I just wanted to make sure I could help if I needed to". She waited till she saw the anger and shock leave Lindsay's face and her friend smiled her acceptance and thanks towards her before continuing. "I have a statement from your neighbor, never thought her being so nosy would ever be a good thing, she did say she saw Chris enter the apartment that night, and she saw him leave again the next morning. And I have you, those…plus your account of it, and the fact he'd done this to you before. Its not concrete Linds, but its enough to scare him."  
  
"Ok" Linds answered, "Shall we go now?"  
  
"No time like the present" Helen replied quickly, walking over to take Lindsay's arm as she stood and guiding her to the door, "By the way, what the hell did you do to Lucy?"  
  
"Lucy?" Linds replied, "I never saw her"  
  
From behind the two came the sound of a barely withheld giggle, as Bec struggled to contain herself.  
  
"What!?" Linds asked, "What did I do? She deserved it right??"  
  
"She came toward you asking questions a mile a minute when you walked in, you never even saw her. You just walked on, right through her. She kept thinking you would stop and answer her eventually, but you walked right over her, I swear I heard you growl. Poor girls been hiding behind her desk out there ever since, jumping at every sound from this direction and muttering in fright."  
  
Breaking into giggles the three continued out the office door through the main office and out the door. They had only to make a quick stop at Helen's office on the way to see Chris and then hopefully this would all be over. Or at least the easy part would be, there was still a much dreaded and painful conversation to be undertaken before this would ever be over for Lindsay.  
  
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Chris looked up as he heard motion outside his door, his sore and jarred neck instantly punishing him for his curiosity and continuing to berate him for the movement as the door opened and someone began to enter.  
  
"Helen" he said, his voice displaying the complete lack of joy he found in her presence, knowing she was a close friend of Lindsay's and that psycho she was marrying he could only imagine this was not a friendly visit. "To what do I owe the pleasure"  
  
Smiling graciously Helen replied with "I was in the courtroom Chris, I just wanted to see if you were alright".  
  
"I'm fine Helen, that psycho bastard of Lindsay's barely touched me" He smiled up at her, trying not to wince at the way this caused his split lip to reopen, or the way it agitated his very bruised cheekbone.  
  
With that said he watched as Helen's caring smile turned into a slightly more malevolent version and eyed him with distaste while replying with a heartfelt and well deserved.  
  
"Well that's a damn shame, I only wish those guards had never pulled him off you, a broken nose would look so good next to that purple eye."  
  
"Don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out Helen" he answered, while once again lowering his head to hide the still darkening bruises. As if it wasn't enough that Bobby had attacked him, people actually seemed to think he deserved it, maybe not for the reason Helen thought he did, but still.  
  
"Well, I'd love to Chris" Helen retorted as she walked towards him, then grabbing his head and pulling it up to face her she continued with. "But you see I can't, WE have something to discuss with you". With that she turned his head slightly, stabbing her fingers into his badly bruised cheek as she did and pointed out the lone figure that had just entered the office. "You do remember Lindsay, right Chris, she's the one with the psycho bastard fiancée".  
  
"Yes, I think you do remember her" Helen continued, " And you must remember the psycho bastard, the one currently warming your seat in a nearby jail cell."  
  
Chris's face suddenly turned to one of shocked surprise as he took a sharp intake of breath and looked at both women in confusion  
  
" My seat?"  
  
"That's right Chris, it will be yours…… unless of course, you decide to drop the charges against Bobby, if you do we'll let you be, if not……well I hear the lovely lifers in federal prisons just love pretty boys like you…. If you're lucky one of them might make you his bitch."  
  
"Helen, what are you talking about? I'm not just going to let the bastard get away with this".  
  
Helen was about to respond, to offer him his one last chance to take the deal before pinning the facts on him to show him exactly how badly she could ruin his life. When Lindsay, who had until this point being standing quietly behind her allowing Helen to have all the power, burst forward her eyes blazing with long withheld anger and her face reddening by the second as she fought to stay in control.  
  
"You ass" she screamed, lunging forward at him and grabbing his collar, then pulling him face to face with her before and continuing to scream into his face, "Your not going to let HIM get away with this! You Hypocrite, how could you say that? How could stand in court and say all those things, make out like you're so good, like you're so pure and….perfect. I've let you get away with what you did to me for too long Chris, you let him go, you let him go and forget this, or I'll make you pay. I'll make you pay for every way you ever hurt me". By now her voice was beginning to crack slightly and she pushed away from and turned around to walk away. Upon reaching the safety of the back corner, and finding herself dissolving into tears she turned once more and whispered back at him, her voice full of desperation and hurt, "Just let him out".  
  
Chris by now had begun to look incredibly worried, his eyes could be seen glassing over as his mind raced through every possible avenue Lindsay had for making him pay for his actions. However he quickly assumed she had none, its not like she'd kept proof, or had even had any to begin with, the worst she could do was make the claim… and if she did that he'd make sure she came out looking the worst. At this thought his face lit up into a cocky grin, a small laugh erupted from him as he stood and walked towards her.  
  
"You'll make me pay…….ooooh that scares me Linds. All you have is an allegation, without proof, its you that will come off looking bad". He continued walking towards her, hoping to drive the idea home, and finally convince her to drop it.  
  
That was until a whirlwind leapt in front of him, her finger driving into his chest and pushing him backwards towards his own desk. Once he was leant back against it, his whole body trying desperately to escape the finger that still stabbing him relentlessly, the whirlwind that turned out to be a very angry Helen finally spoke. Taking the finger away, she threw a manila folder against his chest and moved slightly allowing him the room to open it.  
  
"The top page…you'll see that's a medical report, a medical report which says that Lindsay was given the date rape drug GHB. You'll also note the fact that the percentage of drug in her blood was analyzed, and it was found that it had been given to her within the last 12 hrs. Now let me see, she had the test at 11 am, so sometime after 11 PM was when someone slipped it to her."  
  
"Proves nothing" Chris whispered, his eyes steely and calm, however a hitch in this voice betrayed him and demonstrated just how much Helen was getting to him.  
  
"Well then, go on to the second document. It's from Lindsay's neighbor…. I went and got it a few days after this happened, it says Lindsay got home about 10:30pm, with you, and then it says she saw you leaving Lindsay's place the next morning. Can't imagine anyone else could have gotten in and given her that drug, can you Chris?" Helen was just plain having fun by now, Chris's face was slowly turning a hideous shade of white, and his breathing had become slightly labored. Hell maybe if she kept this up the shock would just plain kill him…. Now that would be worth it.  
  
"Still……" Chris started before being cut off by Helen's hand slapping him in the chest, and her bringing herself eye to eye with him while preparing to dole out the final part of her plan.  
  
"Proves nothing? Well the look on your face says it does, and when you combine that with Lindsay's testimony… you are going down Chris. I mean sure, maybe I can't convict on that…. But I can sure have fun trying. And let me tell you; by the time I'm done you won't be working anymore. No one wants a prosecutor with blood on his hands… we're the good guys Chris. Even if I can't convict, all I gotta do is make you look bad, make everyone know you did it and they'll believe me Chris, you know they will. After I do that, I can guarantee you; you won't be working here any more.. And you certainly won't be getting the paperwork you need to transfer." By now his eyes were showing only fear, as he contemplated exactly how bad Helen could ruin him. Seeing this Helen's face contorted into an evil grin, the gleam in her eyes giving away just how much fun this really was for her.  
  
"So tell me Chris, is charging Bobby really worth throwing your life away for?"  
  
"What do you want me to do?" he asked, his mind having finally acquiesced and agreed that theirs was really his only option, his future was one thing he was not ready to gamble.  
  
"Easy, you ring right now, you make it clear that Mr. Donnell will not be charged. I make a call, I check that its actually happened, that Bobby is about to be freed, and then I turn around and Lindsay and I leave your office, we don't do anything, hell we'll even leave the folder here so you can destroy all our proof. Then we'll go home, we'll deal and we'll get on with life." Helen said, spelling it out for him like he was a wayward five- year-old.  
  
"Fine" Chris whispered harshly, his hand reaching for the phone and dialing the number he needed.  
  
Minutes later the deal was done, Helen had rung and checked it with the police Bobby was not to be charged and there was no chance of him ever being held accountable in the future. With that she turned, smiled victoriously at Lindsay before joining her and walking out the door.  
  
Lindsay, however did not feel victorious, sure Bobby was free, he'd be coming home…that was a good thing, she guessed. It was just now she had that knowledge every step she took became harder, every minute that passed seemed painful, because every single one of them drew her closer and closer to the one moment in time, the one confrontation she did not want to be part of. It wasn't like she wanted him in jail, of course she didn't, she loved him, needed him…..Its just, right now she really wasn't sure she had it in her to face him, to face those eyes, that hurt and know she could of prevented it all.  
  
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Bobby looked up suddenly as he heard the sound of heels striding rhythmically on the footpath leading to his door. His eyes filled with this look of intense hope, of sorrow and pain but mainly hope as he prayed that whoever was heading his way was Lindsay. That she had finally found the courage, or the words, to confront him, to get it all out in the open and to allow him to beg for her forgiveness. His eyes slowly came to focus on the women walking towards him and as they did every trace of hope or spirit drained from them and he prepared himself for yet another battle of wills with Hiller. No, not a battle, not today, his fight had deserted him and a battle would indicate that spirit remained still, hidden somewhere inside his now hunched and broken being, and it didn't spirit had long since fled. He would sit and take it, anything she could dish out he deserved, that and worse, he knew, he knew it would be nothing, nothing compared to the pain that had been felt upon witnessing the storm of emotion and hurt in Linds's eyes.  
  
Hiller meanwhile saw the hope, the elation at the notion that he was forgiven, or at least being given a chance, and she saw the change, the complete loss of faith, hope, the empty void that filled him as he realized who she was. That single moment, that one flash flood that left a once vibrant and expressive face so void of all emotion, it broke her heart. This man was now so visibly facing the idea that one moment of stupidity, albeit driven by love, stood to ruin his all and he had given up. She knew judges were supposed to be neutral, so fixed on the idea of justice and equality that they can't see those who argued before them as anything but pawns. Hiller had long since stopped lying to herself and trying to convince herself she thought that about Bobby.  
  
His passion in the courtroom, in life, was so often his downfall, the stirrer of his troubles and bearer of his confrontations, and yet it was what drew people to him. The way his eyes would glisten over as you spoke, the same thing that would drive you mad in most people and convince you that they weren't listening, in him it was a sign that gave you hope. His passion, his fire was already burning to find a way out for you, even for the most lost causes he would struggle, fight, do anything in his power to make his beliefs the truth, to make the world right and vengeance his. That was why he so often ended up before her having exploded in court and made her proud room anything but, only this time Hiller found his reasons incredibly justifiable.  
  
Granted he'd acted like a fool, he'd turned her courtroom into a mockery and thus she was mad, furious even, but she could understand. Lindsay had always managed to make Bobby fight harder than anything could; she made him strive for what was right. Whenever he was near her or his thoughts were around her he'd fight harder, as if he thought he had to make the world just and right only for her. This idea, this need to accomplish this was sweet, beautiful even but sometimes it had the effect of making him fight so hard he lost himself to all reality and existed momentarily only in the fight. But it wasn't that today, one other thing Lindsay did was make him lose all sense of the rest of the world, all sense of anything but her. And it had come down to that, she was in pain, Chris had caused it and Bobby had reacted in an instant, no thought at all, just the overwhelming desire to make the world stop hurting her.  
  
Still he was an ass, he'd made it worse and sometimes the honorability of someone's actions cannot possibly justify the end. He'd made her hurt more, he'd made sure the case wasn't going away, and he'd made them both a public spectacle, yes he was an ass. She'd come here with the intention of letting him know just how much of an ass he really was before she sent him home. It was partly for her benefit, she was pissed at him and needed to blow off some steam. Partly because he deserved it, and partly because seeing the mess that was Lindsay had given her the desire to let this man know exactly how much of an ass he was. At least if she managed to make him realize that, he might go home and make it better, might go home without thought of victory, without thinking he had righted a social wrong, but knowing he'd hurt her, knowing he'd stuffed up. And yet that one look in his eyes, the change that had flowed through them and the hopeless emptiness that now filled what was usually so passionate, so full of emotion and faith convinced her there was no need. This was a man who she need only tell that he could leave, this was a man that had already realized his error, and was now going home devoid of hope that he could ever regain what was lost. It broke the heart to see him like this, but knowing he was like this gave her hope that he could make it all right again and once again regain both Lindsay and the lost spirit and fire that came with her.  
  
It was with this thought that Hiller finally found herself directly outside the broken man's cell. He was staring up at her with a look of absolute regret, pain and…… nothingness……….it was a horrible way to describe someone, but it fit.  
  
Every tiny desire Hiller had possessed to yell, to scream, to make him realize that her courtroom was not his playground disappeared with that thought. Nothing she could say or do would have any effect right now, she could bring him in and make it all clear when this was settled, right now he wouldn't hear or care for a word of it. His mind was elsewhere and it would not be returning, not without the guidance of the one person he was terrified of facing, terrified, because it was only through facing each other that she could or would verify his every fear.  
  
Nodding her head Hiller motioned for one of the guards to unlock the cell door, following which she slipped inside and sat beside him.  
  
"Chris was pressing charges Bobby" she began, noting the way his face contorted into a look of absolute disdain and hate at the name, "He decided not to Bobby, looks like this is one moment of absolute stupidity you're actually going to get away with." Bobby turned his head slightly towards her at this moment, his voice still silent but the incredulous look on his face saying it all, he was not getting away with it, facing court would be nothing compared to what he was facing now.  
  
"You can go now Bobby, Go home." With that comment Bobby stood and walked slowly to the door. "There's someone there who needs to see you" upon hearing that part of his comment he turned slightly and looked toward her, shaking his head slightly as his entire body slumped downwards and seemed to scream about just how wrong he thought she was. Searching for the words to tell her what his body already had Bobby closed his eyes to fight back the barrage of despair filled thoughts that hit his mind, biting his lip he searched again for a way of telling her all was gone, lost and unfeasible.  
  
Seeing this Hiller felt compelled to do something, even if his pain and problems were fixable only by him she felt she had to allow him the right to believe it possible. God she knew Bobby, if he thought it was impossible he'd give up, he'd never even attempt to repair the wounds he'd cause, he'd hide them deep inside himself and simply ignore the problem until it disappeared of its own accord.  
  
"She did this Bobby" Hiller whispered to him, his face suddenly turning towards her again and confusion filling the empty void in his eyes. "Chris would of charged you, he would of done everything in his power to make you pay. But she fought, she faced him on this and she fought for you. All week Lindsay hasn't even been able to glance at him, hasn't wanted to even acknowledge his presence, for fear of what she'd do, what it would bring out in her, but for you she did. I know you think it's all over and gone Bobby, but if she thought that you wouldn't be leaving this cell right now, you wouldn't be going home to be with her. She's giving you a chance Bobby, don't you dare stuff it up by being you and ignoring it".  
  
With every word she had spoken Hiller had noticed the spark return slightly to his eyes, and while it was nowhere near its normal vibrancy it was something, he was starting to look alive again. This was hopeful. As she finished Bobby nodded slightly, his lips turning in such a way that it almost would have been a joyous smile had his dread of the future not continued to weigh upon him and disallow the development of anything joyful. Once again nodding his thanks, his face turned thoughtful, brow creased in concentration as his mind already began racing through ideas on how to make it up to her, to make it better. And then he was gone his long legs propelling him down the aisle, his stride once again alive and determined proving to Hiller that she had at least given him something. He wouldn't stop now in his quest to make this right again, not now that he believed it possible, and not now he'd allowed himself the chance to know exactly how he would feel forever more if he failed.  
  
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Ok, he'd made it up the lift, he'd made it to the door, hell he'd even driven here without killing anyone despite the fact that he didn't recall seeing the road even once on the trip. But right now the idea of opening the door was just too much, so there he stood leaning against his own door his body slumped against it as if too weary to turn and open it, and yet that wasn't it… he was just plain scared. All the confidence instilled by Hiller, the simple idea that his Lindsay had fought for him, had saved him, god it all meant nothing about how she really felt about all this… about him. There were he realized about it a thousand reasons she would of fought to have him released, the most obvious being a fear of, or reluctance to face trial and have him explain his reasons for jumping Chris in an open court. Closely followed by her need to make sure Chris did not come out on top…or hell even the desire to personally beat the crap out of him in the privacy of their own home and not a jail cell. The more his mind wandered over these reasons, the more he let himself think about exactly how she would be feeling right now, the more he came to the conclusion that she would not be wanting to see him right now. Maybe he should just turn and walk away, he could give her time to deal, sleep in the office tonight and face it all in the morning, or the day after. Boy that sounded good, the idea of just letting sleeping dogs lie, of not facing what he had done just letting it all go away by itself and then making it up to her.  
  
But no, no, he couldn't that to her, or himself. This was the one constant in his life, she was the one thing he trusted, loved and knew would always be there for him, now he had to be there for her, and make amends… no matter how painful it was to him, he owed her this. That, and the idea of going to an empty office and sleeping alone all the while knowing that she was hurting, and that he could be with her was unbearable. He owed her this, he'd been an ass, he'd taken on reality free moment and done something that had hurt Linds so much, now no matter how painful the reality of this he had to do it. With that thought Bobby turned and went about opening the door, once it was unlocked he closed his eyes briefly, both praying for help and hoping for the strength to survive whatever barrage of hate and pain was awaiting him on the other side. Then he pushed it open and entered, already bracing himself for what he imagined would be like a hurricane hitting him the second he was in……….but it didn't come.  
  
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Lindsay stood frozen in the middle of the living room, her body unwilling, or unable to move in any way at all. She had heard the thump as his body hit the door, heard the silence that followed and known he was too scared to enter. And as much as she needed to talk to him, needed fight this through, she found herself wishing that he would just go with his mind and leave her alone. Just tonight, well maybe tomorrow too….oh god just long enough for her to work it all out herself, for her to know what she was feeling even. Right now she didn't even know that, the emotions and thoughts running through her head were so fast, so convoluted, her mind was like a swirling mass, so many thoughts, so much hurt…both that caused today and that which had been brought to the surface from long ago. And now she had the further problem of trying to unfreeze herself, trying to work out what exactly she should do, should she run and hide away from him in the bedroom, or should she open the door and face him on this. Should she just stand here in the middle of the room frozen like an idiot and not even registering the fact that life still existed outside her oh so confused mind. Or it didn't for a few seconds and then she heard it, the unmistakable sound of a key turning in the lock outside, the terrifying noise that was the creaking of a hinge and the absolute horror of the door opening slowly.  
  
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The door opened. That was as far as it went though, it opened just far enough so that Bobby could see Lindsay, and she could see him… eye contact was made and the world froze. Each player suddenly so lost in what the eyes of other was saying to them, in the hidden meanings, unfound words and unedited feelings found there that neither could tear themselves from that vision. Unlike earlier, in the public domain of Bobby's prison cell, when the viewing of such truth, emotion was barred, locked from each others view for simple fear of the public spectacle it could create, now it was open season on the one part of them that betrayed their secrets.  
  
To Lindsay the image was shattering; she had found herself so angry, so hateful towards him that she had not accounted for his pain, for his fear over what he had done, and its effects. She hadn't accounted for the anger that burned towards her and pain she could see so clearly at the fact she had not trusted him enough to know.  
  
The eyes can be said to be windows to the soul the windows through which a person can view the inherent beauty or horror of someone's inner self. In this case, they appeared instead to be portals through which a man's very spirit had been emptied. Poured slowly out and lain before him, so he could see all that had been and yet not touch it, nor attain it ever again. Thus the portal to his soul was now mourning its loss and trying in vain to come to terms with the feeling of emptiness that now and forever would possess it. Sure maybe this thought was a little too in depth, but that was the way it appeared, beyond pain and want his eyes contained nothing but an empty void, no life, no spirit, no sign of the man that had been. He was a wreck, a physical emotional wreck and a part of her wanted nothing more than to run to him, to hold him and let him know all was ok, to thank him for standing up for her, for loving her so much he'd forgotten all to protect her. Another part of her wanted to hit him, to scream, to cry, to tell him how he had hurt her more, how she had been right in her lack of trust and how he had himself determined that she would never again trust him. Right now the look in his eyes, the wounded look in his face and the way his body was slumped in defeat before the battle was even begun made her love him, forgive him. And yet the knowledge he betrayed her, it agreed with all the pain in his eyes, the knowledge he had ruined something precious that was displayed in them and it hated, it burned with anger. But it was his anger that her mind captured, HE was angry at HER. That one small glint of anger made her blood boil, made her anger for him rise and intensify within her….how dare he be angry at her.  
  
  
  
FLOORED. Stunned, broken, destroyed…..All words that could explain exactly what happened to his soul, his mind when he finally found the courage to look into the one part of her that couldn't lie. But floored pretty much covered it, he felt like, like he'd been kicked, like he was lying, dying on the floor his own blood surrounding him, fighting for life, fighting for a reason to live. That's what those eyes had done to him, the pain in them cut through him like a knife, destroying every tiny morsel of self righteousness he'd held, any feeling he held that he might just be right, or might deserve a second chance, they took all that away. Two distinct emotions battled endlessly for supremacy within her eyes, that of anger and that of pain, and behind them two others fought secondary battles, betrayal and love. Love, that surprised him, he had thought that had of died alongside her faith and trust in him, but no it was there, that gave him hope, but that was quickly killed also. The battle in her eyes was fast being won by anger, it was building, swirling and reforming becoming a powerful eddy that stood to replace all her emotions and take her over. Sure, her pain was still there, but it had given up and it was now standing by merely fanning the fire that was anger and helping it to obtain full fury and power. It was at the sight of this that Bobby recoiled slightly, not physically, but mentally, his mind screamed two conflicting thoughts…..Run and stay… take it like a man, because you deserve it, and he did deserve it, so he stayed and waited for the eruption.  
  
Lindsay watched and waited for him to react, her body tensing and reacting to every move he made, every expression his face took and every new image that graced the pools of emotions that were his eyes, but he didn't react. He didn't move towards her, offer any words or explanation, nothing almost like he thought she should react first, like she should be the one reaching out to comfort him and offer apologies. That thought made the anger rise even higher inside her, made the already whirling mix of emotions twist become even more hate-filled and violent. How could he? How could he think that, how could he even think she'd make the first move, the first attempt at a reunion, How could he? Without realizing it that last thought, that one last 'how could he?" had been spoken aloud, and was quickly changed to a violent and hate-filled 'how could you?' as she flew towards him. Her arms already flailing in front of her and wanting nothing more than to make contact, painful contact with his flesh.  
  
Bobby never saw it coming, never even knew what hit him until she hit him forcefully, her hands striking out at him but not quite making contact, just flailing about her as if not controlled by her but needing to strike out in rage anyway. Her strikes failed to hurt him, failed to inflict any physical pain at all, but the sight of her eyes and the pained hollow expression in them did. They almost appeared as if she had left her body, as she no longer controlled it and the feelings of anger, or pain, of hate had simply taken over. The Lindsay he knew was gone, hidden away in the far recesses of a mind that had already lost control over the body it resided in and was acting purely out of buried and long pent emotion. Her arms barely touched him, but her voice did…the anguished screams she hurled at him, the way she repeated herself over and over, 'how could you?" 'How could you?' that was what hurt, he'd done this to her…'how could he!' That feeling was further heightened as he felt the shoulders he was currently gripping collapse downwards, as the screams suddenly turned to sobbing exclamations. The women in front of him, despite her current feelings towards him, spent and emotionally drained leant into his embrace and continued to cry with body shaking and violent sobs.  
  
Bobby stood in shock, his arms wrapped around her and held Linds as her legs collapsed and sent her falling downwards. What had just happened? In a matter of seconds she'd gone from enraged and out of control to pained and weak, her body giving in to the wracking sobs and simply falling under the pressure of the pain and emotion fueling them. She was a mess, her strength and spirit had for the first time deserted her and this women he now held was but a shell of the women he knew and loved. What had he done?  
  
But as quickly as she'd attacked, as quickly as the tears had begun they were gone, and before him stood the women he knew. Before him once again stood the powerful and vibrant women he had often watched with such awe in a courtroom, and yet while this seemed to comfort the soul, it also scared him no end. Wrenching herself from his arms she now stood several feet away, her eyes blazing and her body set in such a way that gave him no doubt as to the question of whether or not to reach for her. He shouldn't, at least not if he valued his limbs.  
  
"How could you, Bobby?" she asked, her voice resonating with a terrifying mixture of both disgust and hurt. "You get some perverse little thrill out of proving your big man on campus, huh?"  
  
"Linds" he whispered back, his voice proving the hurt and shock she'd managed to inspire with that little one. " You know that's not…..  
  
Laughing almost evilly at his comment Lindsay shook her head and cut him off before he could articulate himself properly. "What do I know Bobby? I know you just embarrassed me in front of full courtroom, I know you took the one secret I kept and in the simple matter of a day you made sure everyone knew about it. I know, I know that you betrayed me, betrayed my trust, my security, my everything. You took everything I valued and gave it away, gave it to every person in that room in the form of a nice little rumor, a nice little water cooler conversation."  
  
"Linds, I'm so sorry, I never meant……it was just…..It hit me like that and I was so mad" he whispered again, hoping she would let him get it said and done before she made him even more aware of the many reasons why he should never forgive himself.  
  
"No, you never meant…you never do Bobby" Linds replied, her tone condescending and accusational, "This is why I couldn't tell you who, I told you what, but not who. I hoped you wouldn't get it, wouldn't realize, I knew you'd do this or something like it. You can't handle strong emotion Bobby, if it's not subtle enough or slow enough for you to compress it, to lock it away, you explode. Not a care in world, who even notices who you might hurt in the process, who cares…. As long as you get your release from it."  
  
This enraged Bobby, whose original attitude had been one of total disgust in himself and a willingness to agree with everything she said about him.  
  
"Excuse me" he yelled, his voice finally breaking from the sorry and pathetic whisper it had been at since he arrived, Lindsay drew back at the sound of it realizing suddenly that he could, and would fight. "Think about it Linds, about what you just said. The whole locking it in my vault, needing time to process it. Maybe if you had of trusted me, if you had of thought about this, if you had had just a little faith, this wouldn't of happened. It hit me, while he was standing in front of me, talking about how great he was, about how disgusting our client was, and about how the poor victim deserved some closure, some dignity….."  
  
"Some dignity" Linds retorted, "That would be nice, not that I'd know, the little bit that I'd managed to get back, the little back that had taken me four years to re-cultivate….you took that from me, that's what hurts the most Bobby, its one thing for someone like him to do it, it's a whole other thing for the one man I love, for the one person I trust most in the world to do it again".  
  
Bobby seemingly never noticed the interruption, he paused for it, and his face tensed in pain as he heard it, but his words never acknowledged it. "Do you know what that told me? What he was saying to me, about you. I knew it was him then, and by him saying that it told me he didn't think you deserved that, that he was above it, and that even though this two bit tart he was representing deserved some closure, some dignity….you didn't. That's what I couldn't take Linds. I was mad when it hit me, the idea that he would view it all like that, that he could even think of degrading you further that I couldn't take. The two of those on top of each other, arriving in my mind so suddenly was what I couldn't take, you could of taken one of those strikes away and prevented this".  
  
Lindsay seemingly withdrew even further into herself, the idea of what he had done was enough, but the idea that she could have prevented it was worse. The hate, the anger she felt for him dissipated slightly, and some turned inward, turned into anger at herself for her own thoughtlessness and part in this mess. Bobby watched as some of the fire in her eyes died away and the spirit which had previously held her body so tall, made her look so invincible left her, making her suddenly appear so small, so defenseless and so damn hurt. At that moment he would of traded anything in the world to make her hate only him again, to make the same hateful passion and burning desire to scream at him reappear, anything but this little lost girl who now stood before him.  
  
"Linds" he whispered softly, his voice carrying nothing but complete despair at the sight of her in this state. "I'm so sorry, I never meant to have it happen. It was one instant, one instantaneous moment when I realized who it was, when it suddenly hit me what he was saying and what he was meaning. I never meant to do it, I don't think I even realized I was doing it till it was over, till the damage was done. I am so sorry, so so sorry. I never meant it Linds, I'm sorry". By now his voice was starting to crumble, his once strong tone breaking on the edges and dissolving with a tearful edge, as he continued to repeat the words over and over. He continued to whisper his apologies, his mind lost in the despair and pain he felt at the idea of her not knowing this, not feeling it and not ever forgiving him. Without noticing his body began slowly taking steps toward her, his legs moving slowly, cautiously, inching towards her and waiting desperately for any sign she would allow it. But she never moved, she never so much as noticed, Lindsay appeared for all the world as if she had once again lost all knowledge of his presence and had slipped away to fight her own demons.  
  
Finally reaching her he stood directly in front of her, his hand reaching out to pull her chin upwards, to allow him the full view of her eyes and the truth they told. Seeing them however was no comfort, they told him of pain, hate, self hate, and the fear….fear that this would never be gone, she wanted it gone. Noticing this, and knowing he was in no danger from her and her previous violent actions he placed a hand warily on her shoulder, testing the waters carefully, and was surprised to find her leaning into his touch. Taking this as a hint he pulled her to him, held her close and reveled in the feel of being so near to her, yet knowing he was still far from where she was. She was off….Somewhere, reliving an event long past, a moment in time so troubling, so painful her only option had been to hide it, to spend her life cowering in fear from anything that might cause it to resurface, and now it had been unburied dealing with it was so much harder. So much more painful, Bobby knew she might be mad at him, might even hate him on some level, but he'd been the one to bring it back, he was damn well going to be the one to help her through it.  
  
Bobby picked her up then, as her legs collapsed from under her and carried her gently to the couch placing her beside him and almost dying in relief and happiness as she curled up beside him and held on. He knew that at that time she was so far away she probably didn't even realize it was him she was clinging to, he was simply a warm body, a ray of hope and reality in a world of past trauma. But still just knowing she was near was enough for him right now. So he sat there holding her tightly against him, stroking her hair lightly and whispering gently to her as she continued to sob against him. It wasn't long before he felt her stop crying, her breathing became even and regular as her body relaxed against him and she gave in to sleep. Knowing that she needed it, that the day had taken more out of her than she would ever admit or realize Bobby just continued to sit and hold her. He wanted her to wake, to talk it out, so that before he even attempted to sleep, before he gave in and let himself relax he would know all was well with his world, but he couldn't wake her, not tonight. So instead he held her and continued to stroke her hair, to whisper to her and pray for her forgiveness, for her find peace of mind with this all and within minutes Bobby joined her in the safety of sleep.  
  
  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
Lindsay woke early the next morning, her mind momentarily peaceful as she lay there wrapped in Bobby's protective embrace and blissfully ignorant of all that had taken place the day before. It wasn't to last though and it didn't take but a moment for the memories to return. For her mind to once again be overtaken by a thousand emotions all vying for the title of hardest hitting. The memories assaulting her mind were confused and violent, each hitting her conscious mind as though hurled from deep within her. The result of which was a intense mental slap, that caused a sudden powerful sob to escape her body, her eyes slammed shut and every muscle tensed suddenly and forcefully at the assault. Bobby who had not yet awakened felt this uneasiness surge through him from her, and despite its failure to wake him he instinctively tightened his arms around her, pulled her closer into him and held her within the protective shield of his body. It was after doing this that he too woke suddenly and almost instantly realized exactly why she would be so tense in his arms. With the memory of his extreme stupidity the day before and the sudden fear of what exactly a now rational Lindsay's reaction might be, he too tensed and waited her reaction. Pulling herself quickly from his arms Lindsay scooted as far from him as the couch would allow and turned to look at him, her mind conflicting over whether or not to go to him or stay away. Her thoughts were now so much clearer than they had been the night before. Rather than acting as one giant force field of emotion and pain that allowed her no control, they were each existing peacefully within her and allowing her the time to process each and every one individually.  
  
Slowly her mind filtered through everything that had occurred, through every word he had said and through every emotion that had plagued her throughout the past few days and the moments leading up to last nights confrontation. The pain, the hurt, the anger, the fear, the hatred it all came flying back at her, it assaulted her mind, her every sense and every thought were taken over by it. The most amazing and assaulting fact though was the simple knowledge that of every emotion that flooded her equal parts were focussed at Bobby and equal parts at herself. She was to blame too, as much as he had hurt her she couldn't hate him because she had let it happen. She'd had so many chances to tell him, to tell anyone, to deal with it all and let herself get to the point where this case would not have affected her, but she'd let them all pass, she'd sat and waited for this to happen. This was her fault, her fault. She'd blamed Bobby for his vault, for his ability to hide and keep his emotions and yet she'd kept this one hidden, kept it locked inside and look at the damage she'd caused.  
  
Bobby sat watching her as she pulled away from him, as she withdrew into what he knew had to be the tangled mess of her mind. He watched as each thought drove her further and further into herself, as each thought brought an even more pained look into her beautiful eyes. He watched as she was hit by those final thoughts about her own culpability, and then as her body seemingly withdrew into its shell and her eyes closed over with pain he went to her. He cared not how much she hated him right then, he cared not how much she wanted to be away from him, he just needed to make her know this was not her fault. This was him, it was he who lost control, he who made a mess and hurt her, he who stuffed up. She was innocent and he wouldn't let her suffer anymore, not now, and not ever again. Reaching out towards her he pulled her into his embrace, and was shocked to find her turn into it. She curled into his chest and began to sob violently while trying in vain to curl even tighter into him and hide herself from the self doubt and hate she was now facing.  
  
Lindsay knew it was he who held her, he who had made all this come crashing down upon her, but angry as she was about his actions in court she couldn't help but be madder at herself. In fact his actions now seemed to her to be more than he should have to offer, more than he should be willing to offer, she had done this to him and yet punished for it. Less than a few months after she had accused him of something, accused him of storing his emotions and not sharing them he had found her guilty of the same thing, and in a rather spectacular way. Slowly, though unaware of it at first, she found herself pulling away from him, withdrawing from the loving embrace he held her in and finding solace in her sudden solitude.  
  
"Linds" he whispered, moving closer and once again reaching for her, "I'm so sorry"  
  
At his words she turned her head and looked toward him, the expression in her eyes making his heartbreak. So filled with pain, anger and hate, they were the eyes of someone who had been violated once too many times and come away from it all with an intense distrust in humanity. The worst part however, was not that the feelings were there, not that she hurt that badly, or the knowledge that he himself had violated her trust on this occasion, but simply that none of these feelings were aimed at him. They were simply the representation of every feeling, every ounce of pain and hate that she was now aiming at herself. Just as his arms reached her, and began to once again fold around her and draw her near she found her voice.  
  
"No" she whispered sadly, at the same time ripping herself from his arms and leaving the couch. She stopped just near the fireplace and stood with her back to him, her arms wrapped tightly around herself as her body continued to fight the tears that were wracking her form. Standing quickly Bobby raced toward her and moved as if to once again take her into his embrace and make it all better, but just as he reached her he was surprised to feel her hand on his chest, stopping his movement and pushing him roughly away.  
  
"Don't" she whispered harshly, her voice breaking as it was hit by a fresh wave of tears, "Don't, its my fault, I know that. I don't deserve or want your pity"  
  
"Lindsay" he replied, his voice quietly admonishing her stupidity, how could she even think this was her fault, sure she hadn't told him but he could imagine why, actually he had proved why. "It's not, its not pity." Moving as close as the hand on his chest would allow and reaching out to her, he continued. "I love you, I hate to see you hurt, I hate that I hurt you."  
  
Grabbing both the hand that was waving erratically by her side and the one pressed against his chest Bobby held them both before her, in part restraining her and in part offering support. "Linds you could of told me, I wouldn't of made you do this, or I wouldn't of let myself be there, maybe I could of helped you deal with it before it got to this. We both stuffed up. Lindsay, you should of told me, told someone, talked about it, tried to deal with it instead of trying to be the strongest always. I should of thought. Thought of you and of what the hell I was doing to you by taking my anger out on him there. We stuffed up, and I am so sorry. Sorry I did what I did, and sorry that you felt you couldn't tell me who it was, sorry that you were almost able to predict this happening simply from my past actions, and sorry I proved your worse fears true. It's not your fault Linds, it was never your fault."  
  
At these words Linds, collapsed forwards landing squarely against his chest and wrapping her arms around him as if trying to pull herself ever deeper into him, finding solace and peace within his being and hiding there from the harshness of reality. The sobs that had wracked her body were back now and were quickly multiplying in ferocity until she found herself barely able to support her own weight and was clinging to Bobby for the sole reason of staying upright.  
  
Realizing this and noting his own sudden lack of composure as he watched and felt her endure this Bobby pulled her to him, held her tightly against his body and moved towards the couch. He doubted she even noticed the way he carried her to the couch, it seemed she had lost all sense and purpose with reality and had been consumed totally by her own pain. Not the pain of the day past, but the pain of years gone by, the pain caused by something that Bobby doubted he even knew the beginning of yet.  
  
It seemed like hours before she finally calmed, before her body finally seemed to regain control of itself and pull her from the cocoon of safety it had found in his arms. Her face however stayed pressed to the side of his neck, her eyes and mind hidden from the world outside as she fought the demons within. Slowly he realized what she was doing, what the faint murmuring he could hear was, and what that slight bristling sensation he could feel on his neck was…. She was talking. Well not talking, more like chanting, the same two words over and over, the same phrase that at once explained everything and yet still explained nothing…. 'My fault' she whispered, 'My fault' over and over, almost as if her mind believed that by punishing herself with this self incrimination it would eventually gain absolution. She continued this for some time, before Bobby having grown weary of the constant and growing train of thoughts jumbling through his mind and seeing the effect it was having on her. The way it was drawing her deeper and deeper into a trance of self loathing and blame. It was pulling her far from reality and into a corner of her mind where she was on trial and the judge, jury and executioner were all herself, all pointing, blaming and condemning her. It was when he realized this that he acted, that he finally realized she was not helping herself here, she was hiding, and she would never be free from this until she faced it. Grabbing her shoulders he ripped her from the cocoon she had built, ripped her from the safety she had found in his warmth and shook her slightly. Waiting until she faced him, until her eyes became clear and she was staring up at him with shocked yet pained eyes, he voiced the one thing he could, the one thing he thought might help……he asked…  
  
"Why?"  
  
She continued to stare up at him confusion, her eyes clouding over and her mind once again slipping into the mode it had been in for years. The one that said pain was irrelevant, useless and easily ignored, the one that easily forgot the way she had been only minutes before.  
  
"Why?" he asked again, "Why is it your fault Linds, Why?" his voice was not accusing, not strong. While the question could have been seen to be asking her to condemn herself, asking her to tell him why so he could punish her too if asked in anger, he hadn't. His tone was pleading, soft and so very emotion strained. It asked why simply because he needed to know, not for his own interest, not for his own pain, but for hers. He asked simply because it was the only way he knew to help, to face the pain and make it bearable, he asked because her pain was something he could never stand to see. This was what Lindsay gained from that tone, what she heard and while she had pulled away from him when he first asked, she didn't now. She moved closer, she hesitated and thought before speaking, she didn't think she could. How did one explain all that she had let happen, all that she had done. How did one explain that she couldn't blame Chris for the rape because as he had said she was fine with it throughout college, saying it was rape now was just damn hypocritical. How would she tell him that, how would she tell him that and not have him hate her, think she was awful, dirty, how could she do it.  
  
Looking up at him with uncertain eyes she begged him silently not to ask again, not to make her tell him, not to make her make him hate her. But the look in his eyes blew her away, they were filled with the most amazing compassion, love and sorrow… sorrow for her. Confusion reigned in them too, confusion, pain and fear, he was scared for her, for why she hurt so much, he was hurting for her and feeling her pain. It was that one look, those emotions and questions all packed into one look, one expression, one ever loving and knowing face that convinced her. She could do it, she would do it, because if she didn't she would forever be looking into those eyes and seeing them clouded with fear, with sadness, and with questions. That was something she couldn't do, couldn't know she had troubled him, still troubled him, couldn't know that he had questions, fears and doubts about her, couldn't look into those beautiful eyes and see pain.  
  
  
  
She couldn't do it like this though, she couldn't tell him all, let him into the darkest places of her like this. Not sitting here like this, with him. Not while held so comfortably, so securely within his arms, she couldn't bask in his protective hold while destroying his image of her. Pulling away from him once more, she extracted herself fully from his embrace and sat facing the fireplace, her hands placed carefully in her lap and her eyes staring unseeing ahead. It was then she began to talk.  
  
Her voice was emotionless as she started, her mind focussed on the details, on the tiny little things, not the big things, not the things that would make the story, not the things that actually caused her pain, the little things. Things like the brand of the shirt she wore, the way her apartment smelled, the color of the carpet…. The tiny little things, the ones that meant nothing, that held no emotional element. She didn't say them out loud to Bobby, to him she simply told the story, but in her head she saw them all, she remembered them all. They occupied her mind, stopped her from feeling the pain, cluttered her head and allowed no emotion to seep in and cloud her mind further. She told him all about it, the way he'd met her for drinks, for old times sake, the way he'd driven her home, how she had invited him in, and then how it all went blank.  
  
The story got scary from there, this was where it became obvious how stupid she was, how insanely immature and stupid she had been, not only this night, but all the nights before. Time did not change a man like Chris, she should never of hoped it would, she should of known. She told him how she had gotten Chris back, how she had at least tried to gain some vengeance, how she had embarrassed and humiliated him the way he had her. But hers was less, less painful, she had humiliated him front of others, in front of people who would laugh for now and soon forget. He had humiliated her in front of herself, a person who would not ever forget, a person who would not tell, and a person who would forever hate herself for her own idiocy.  
  
Lindsay was shocked as she finished, shocked as she finally realized she was done, she had told him all and kept her emotions in check. She had stayed strong, stayed controlled, maybe she was over it, and then she made the mistake of looking at him. Of staring into those eyes, and seeing every question that had lived there previously still there, still unanswered and still painful. He really wanted to know, really wanted to know why it hurt, why it was her fault. He wanted to know the one thing that she didn't doubt would change her image in his eyes forever, would make him view her as dirty and stupid, would make him forever view her as exactly what she was, weak.  
  
She wanted nothing more than to hide once again in his arms, to know once more the security that his presence, that his warmth allowed her, to know it once more before it was stolen from her, stolen from her by her own stupidity. But she couldn't allow herself too, couldn't let him close again, it was too painful to know it would be the last time, too painful to know he would soon despise her, pity her, look down on her. Too painful to know the end was near and she was losing all she had attained.  
  
Closing her eyes so she wouldn't be forced to watch, to look at him and see his eyes, to watch as the love for her that they had held for so long now drained from them, to watch as it was replaced by absolute disgust and pity, that she couldn't watch. It was an image that she knew would stay with her forever if she saw it, and she would not allow herself the pain that she knew would come with seeing her destroy the man she loved.  
  
"He told me,….. he told me…I went to see him and he…." She tried to say it, tried to find the strength to go on, but she couldn't, she couldn't do it. Her mind and body were shaking now, as if caught in a violent wind, they shook wildly neither in tune with the other and neither able to render itself in control once again. But something happened then, something that could always cease her worries, allay her fears and place her mind at ease… Bobby came to her, he knelt before her and his arms encompassed her, wrapped her tightly to him and just held her, offering no words, nothing but a silent and unbreakable barrier from all that plagued her, a silent barrier that radiated strength.  
  
"He told me I should of expected it. That for me to have a problem with it now was so hypocritical when I had gone along with it for so long now. I did, I let him do this to me all the time, I let him rape me, I let him do whatever he wanted. I was so weak Bobby. He used to slip something into the cookies, our drinks, he'd get me plastered, he'd do anything to make me more willing, more submissive… and I knew. I let him, I guess I… he was everything I ever wanted you know, smart, funny, the all-round campus jock, good guy, I never said he could, I never wanted him too, but he did, I knew he did and I never stopped him. So here he was years later doing exactly the same thing to me and I was getting upset, why? Why did I have the right to get upset? I'd shown him it was alright, I'd let him play me, let him be my complete controller… for me to scream rape now was just stupid. He was doing what I had already shown him he could, he could play me and I was too weak to put up a fight. It's my fault, Bobby, everything you have been through these past days, all my fault. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I let you fall in love with me, and now I have to drop this on you. I'm so sorry."  
  
It was then she noticed his arms were still around her, his hand was still lightly stroking her back, while his other cupped the back of her head and held her tightly against him. She could feel the tears slowly making their way down his cheek as he held her close, she could feel the way his body was shuddering slightly on every intake of breathe and she knew, she knew he was grieving his loss. She knew and she planned to make it easier for him, to make his loss quick, as painless as possible, she planned to make him able to leave her, to move on, to not stay with simply her because of his feelings of pity and responsibility. Deciding it would have to be her who made the first move, she quickly freed herself of his embrace, drew her body to its full height and walked away.  
  
The heart is but a muscle, a vulnerable, yet powerful piece of sinuous flesh. It held no capacity for thought, no feeling, no depth no emotion, she thought, and yet now right this second as hers broke it did. It was a mere term.. broken heart… and yet in this instant she felt it so true. It was, as she walked from him, from his arms, as if her heart had broken, torn apart. The strength of its walls, the walls that usually held only warmth, and love crumbled and into them flowed the pain, the despair, the hate that they had always protected her from. In that instant, it was gone, the vessel that fed and warmed every inch of her body was infected with these feelings and it unknowingly fed them to every part of her being. Every part of her Body, her mind, her soul slowly numbed, the poison of these feelings reached everywhere, the tips of the fingers, her toes, everywhere and it numbed her. It killed the feeling within her body leaving her numb and unimaginably cold, she felt nothing but this cold, this emptiness, her body was now immune to the pain, diseased with the feelings his love had once protected her from, it was all dead.  
  
Bobby was stunned as she moved from him, stunned as she tore her body from his and walked away. He had imagined, had thought that right at this moment she would of needed him most, she would of clung to him and let it all out, she would of let him help her heal, but she didn't. He could see her now withdrawing into herself, hiding her feelings once again and building a wall of ice, building an impenetrable front that would hide her pain from others and block him out. He knew why, she felt he would leave her, she felt herself unworthy of him… she felt herself unlovable… she was wrong. God, how he wanted to help her. Standing quickly he walked to her, and stood behind her, he never spoke, he never let her know he was near, though he knew she knew, he just stood behind her slowly, placed his arms around her and pulled her close to him. Resting his face in her neck, he held her, no words, no actions, just held her, silently and swiftly telling her that all she feared was false.  
  
Lindsay felt him grab her, felt him wrap himself around her, felt his support and comfort and almost reacted, almost leapt from his arms, jumping from his pity and freeing him. But then she felt it, those parts of her body once dead, once killed by the loss of everything she loved were slowly returning to her, life and feeling was slowly sweeping back up her body, returning her warmth, her safety and security. He didn't blame her, he didn't hate her, his actions so clearly told her this was not her fault, this was not her mistake. Turning her head slightly to meet his she met his eyes and was rewarding with a gaze so worried, so upset, and so loving it took her breath from her. Leaning down she rested her forehead against his and the silent communication between them spoke volumes… His actions and his eyes told her silently that everything she had believed these last few years, everything she had silently hated herself for was a lie, his lie, she was not to blame for this. Turning slowly in his embrace Lindsay wrapped herself even tighter into his being, and took strength from him, from the fact he still loved her. Years of hating herself dissolved in that moment, for once the future looked positive, all because of him, his love and his being. It was all going to be ok after all, of course there would need to be a lot of talking. Both of them had so much to say, so much to reveal, a new dimension of their relationship was needed, one where comfort could be found not in hiding but instead in sharing and supporting, but the first step had been taken. No matter how painful it had been, it was taken now and whatever was to come at least she would know it would come with him beside her.  
  
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